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Hard Times
By doanair
10/25/2006 9:52:07 AM
Sometimes I feel my old ways and my old self tugging at me, trying to lead me back.

Just in the past few days I had some experiences where I said and did things that were all too familiar... Saying and doing selfish things... Making snide comments... Being too co-dependent (annoying my wife with worries about whether she is happy or angry)... Stupid things I have worked on in the past that are now cropping back up.

It is hard not to become overwhelmed really quickly with thoughts like: "Oh no, here I go again." or "I am never going to change."

It should be back to the basics for me. I should realize these things are not altogether gone. I still need the Lord's help to work through these issues. I cannot get proud enough to think I have it all licked.

Comments:

Satan's games    
"One thing that has always stuck out in my mind from when Te and I went to counseling was when our counselor told us "Satan hates us". Satan hates us because we have what he will never have. He will never have a body and a family. He is doing all he can to destroy those things.

I think sometimes he has to back off because we are living our lives in such a way that he is not able to influence us as much, but he is an expert at finding cracks. As soon as he finds one, and it could be one so tiny that we didn't even notice it ourselves, he works his way in and starts telling us we are worthless, and that we can never change.

They are lies.

We can change, and we are not worthless. If we were worthless, satan would not work so hard to destroy us.

I told Te to just pray, whenever he has those thoughts returning, to let Heavenly Father help him. We don't have to struggle alone. It has been a great comfort to me to pray when I am worried about whether Te is being honest or not. "
posted at 08:16:31 on October 26, 2006 by sophie
So true    
"Very profound comment you made. Thank you.

"We can change, and we are not worthless. If we were worthless, satan would not work so hard to destroy us. ""
posted at 22:37:53 on November 25, 2006 by dan
anonymous    
"Oh my gosh i f i could make this comment without throwing the phone across the room first
I am extremely anxious as i have tried to kick my addiction many times
With great failure today i am once again attempting to let go of my best friend
And my 26 year old relationship with marijuana"
posted at 01:34:09 on October 16, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I do not know who i am without pot will i b able to shut the anger bitternes
Memories of sexual mental and physical abuse will i b a hypocrite because
I believe god can change me but will i and my loved ones survive the
My sobriety fight its not pretty the words that come out of my mouth family sayiing just
Smoke u r making us crazy"
posted at 02:14:20 on October 16, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"All i know is today i decided saturday night is it sunday i hopefully will
See my bishop and say im 5 6 7 8 whatever the hours migjt b sober pray
For me as i will pray for your revrence to our heavenly father as im sure he proud
Of your daily fight ti stay sober and clean in god we trust"
posted at 02:20:09 on October 16, 2014 by Anonymous
It's not your fault    
"Dear Anonymous, my heart breaks to hear you were sexually, mentally, and physically abused. Those things leave huge scars and painful memories.

Ironically, I'm currently being forced to face some of the abuses I suffered as a child. Abuse that I believe played a significant role in my addiction. I don't know your story, but if it's anything like mine...I didn't tell anyone at the time I was being abused. I blamed myself for it. I tormented myself with why didn't I do more to stop it. I felt filthy and disgusted with myself every time it happened. I couldn't come to terms with how did I reconcile those feelings with the fact that being sexually aroused, even though I was a victim of abuse, was stimulating. I learned to hold on to secrets, fearing if anyone knew who I really was they would hate me.

All of that combined later on in life to an addiction to pornography. I hated it and loved it at the same time. that sounds a lot like your "best friend," who you know is also your worst enemy. The abuse you suffered earlier in life wasn't your fault. You did nothing to deserve it, and most likely, those that should have protected you were the ones abusing you.

The anger and bitterness you're clinging onto is normal, but it's not your friend either. The anger and bitterness will drive you back to your addiction. Your bishop can certainly help. I would also strongly recommend finding a good therapist. The therapist will be better trained in how to deal with the memories and lingering issues from the abuse. If you can find an LDS therapist, hopefully, like your bishop, he/she can be lead by the spirit in your treatment.

Hang in there. Peace of soul is possible. You are a good person. If you weren't, you wouldn't be posting on this board. I hope you can find the hope and healing that is possible through the Savior's atonement. God bless."
posted at 08:15:33 on October 16, 2014 by DANO42
anonymous    
"Woowii i didnt expect that this morning
My heart is in my throat im afraid of letting
Go of pot but im terrified of walking the paths
Of the abuse that i know has directed my path
Thus far¡=¡===!!!!! U r correct i have made some ammends
Some were gracious to forgive some do nog
Forgive that i wasnt prepared for i dont like
To b thrown off guard thank u for remembering
The things i do not know how to face but today
Im shielded by gods power of the atonmeñt
In god we trust god bless you"
posted at 12:12:42 on October 16, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I worked myself up these past 24 hours listened to
The 12 steps via audio step one i listened to three times
I thought ok this is it jump!!!! As midnight aproaches
Im excited and full of fear midnight to midnight one day at a time
Hour at a time 6 sleeping im hoping the insomnia
Isnt immediate the inspirational sharing in the twelve step meeting
R priceless thank u for sharing your pain and wall of shame
I never thought someone story would b to familure its pysical
Pain even if you been clean for 1 day one year or many some pain
We survivors will never forget forgive i hope forget probably mot
Heal oh i sure pray it is so!!!"
posted at 22:07:47 on October 16, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I made it through the night now to peal myself out of bed
And face the day"
posted at 09:34:00 on October 17, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I made it through the night now to peal myself out of bed
And face the day"
posted at 09:45:06 on October 17, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I made it through the night now to peal myself out of bed
And face the day"
posted at 09:46:00 on October 17, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I made it to my 15 hour saying to abstain is easyer said than done"
posted at 16:49:38 on October 17, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"The first time i attempted 12 steps i glanced at the entire book
I jumped to the making ammends i had been enternally workinvg
On the quest to ask forgivness these past three days god kept taking
Me to step one two and three through audio i could h
Hear the pain i carry i attempted to do step four its paralizing"
posted at 10:33:45 on October 18, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"The first time i attempted 12 steps i glanced at the entire book
I jumped to the making ammends i had been enternally workinvg
On the quest to ask forgivness these past three days god kept taking
Me to step one two and three through audio i could h
Hear the pain i carry i attempted to do step four its paralizing"
posted at 10:34:51 on October 18, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"Thank u for letting me vent on your blog im not real computet savey
By fate i was brought to your blog i went to a 12 step tonight in person
To discuss the 4th step i shared some of my inventory
With anger and pain that i held on to for 45 years and didnt dir
I wrnt in wanting to know how the heck was this going to do help my recovery
This program saved me today to breath one breath at a time "
posted at 00:49:56 on October 19, 2014 by Anonymous
Keep going    
"glad to hear you found a 12 step meeting to attend. There is great strength in those meetings. The Good Shepherd left the 99 sheep that were safe to go find the 1 lost sheep. Recovery meetings are a room full of lost sheep hoping to be found. I've always found the Lord's spirit to be very strong at them."
posted at 09:44:50 on October 19, 2014 by DANO42
anonymous    
"Very very overwelmed working step
4 5 6 having a very bad day cant keep my thoughts
Together inventory confession and b sober"
posted at 21:28:27 on October 25, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I am mentally exhausted"
posted at 21:30:11 on October 25, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"Very very overwelmed working step
4 5 6 having a very bad day cant keep my thoughts
Together inventory confession and b sober"
posted at 21:30:43 on October 25, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"Its physical i feel mentally drained smoked a few cigarettes
Very quezy today overwelming anger people r dieing im crying about
The past things i cannot shake walking through some inventory
I can smell it feel it my head hurts it feels like i worked a 60 hour week or
Something for god sake"
posted at 00:41:12 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"They say forgive yourself forgive those u offended
Well my curse is my offender can never say daughter i
Forgive me for thinking in my sick mind u loved my husband
Because she doesnt mean itmy mom suffers from mental
Illness how could i forgive somwthing she believes was true"
posted at 00:48:59 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"They say forgive yourself forgive those u offended
Well my curse is my offender can never say daughter i
Forgive me for thinking in my sick mind u loved my husband
Because she doesnt mean itmy mom suffers from mental
Illness how could i forgive somwthing she believes was true"
posted at 00:53:30 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"They say forgive yourself forgive those u offended
Well my curse is my offender can never say daughter i
Forgive me for thinking in my sick mind u loved my husband
Because she doesnt mean itmy mom suffers from mental
Illness how could i forgive somwthing she believes was true"
posted at 01:02:21 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"They say forgive yourself forgive those u offended
Well my curse is my offender can never say daughter i
Forgive me for thinking in my sick mind u loved my husband
Because she doesnt mean itmy mom suffers from mental
Illness how could i forgive somwthing she believes was true"
posted at 01:02:37 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"Its physical i feel mentally drained smoked a few cigarettes
Very quezy today overwelming anger people r dieing im crying about
The past things i cannot shake walking through some inventory
I can smell it feel it my head hurts it feels like i worked a 60 hour week or
Something for god sake"
posted at 01:02:45 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"Its been a draining week by working the 4 5 6 step
I feel as though i released satan and we got stuck in my cage
With satan and the key was not around heavenlt father
Again carried me i could not fight i am not excited
About my inventory not being complete i just need a minute
For air i have locked myself in my house need just a few hours
Alone to re group..i am thankful my bishop was nof disapointed
I abstain from smoking pot for only 32 hours he did not burn me at the steak"
posted at 19:56:07 on October 26, 2014 by Anonymous
Hang in there!    
"Some people are able to overcome their addictions all at once, although most others have to work on it over time. Chances are you will have a mixture of success and failure as you go through this journey towards recovery. Don't beat yourself up if you aren't immediately as perfect as you want to be, just keep trying.

We (on this web site) aren't going to think less of you, even if you mess up. We're in the same boat as you! The Savior certainly isn't going to give up on you either. Trust Him! You can still win the war, even if you struggle in some of your individual battles."
posted at 00:29:57 on October 27, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I have learned a few things about myself this week
I asked my bishop how was i to gain peace from my
Maternal mother as i feel i deserve a sincere apology
But know do to mental illness i would not believe her
He said god says to seek forgiveness it r doesn't say
Expect people who wronged you to admit it and seek your
Forgiveness i was comforted and god clarified it in the
Scriptures as a daughter i must forgive as i am not
Appointed to judge god remembers all things and is
The master judge in the scripture jacob 2:35 it was yesterday
Scripture of the day BEHOLD YE HATH DONE GREATER
INIQUITIES THAN THE LAMANITES OUR BRETHERN YOU
HAVE BROKEN THE HEARTS OF YOUR TENDER WIFES
AND LOST THE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE
OF YOUR BAD EXAMPLE BEFORE THEM AND THE SOBBING
OF THERE HEARTS ASCEND UNTO GOD AGAINST YOU
AND BECAUSE OF THE STRICTNESS OF THE WORD OF GOD
WICH COMETH DOWN AGAINST YOU MANY HEARTS
DIED PIERCED WITH DEEP WOUNDS!!!!!!
I to am a mother sometimes god is strict because he loves
Me i have come to peace that god and i made this plan
I chose the hard rode had i not walked the streets of abuse
And my survival of if i could not teach of it"
posted at 07:34:49 on October 28, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I know this scripture applies to me as well i am to a parent i to
Will stand before god and discuss my errors in life"
posted at 07:41:18 on October 28, 2014 by Anonymous
anonymous    
"I have learned a few things about myself this week
I asked my bishop how was i to gain peace from my
Maternal mother as i feel i deserve a sincere apology
But know do to mental illness i would not believe her
He said god says to seek forgiveness it r doesn't say
Expect people who wronged you to admit it and seek your
Forgiveness i was comforted and god clarified it in the
Scriptures as a daughter i must forgive as i am not
Appointed to judge god remembers all things and is
The master judge in the scripture jacob 2:35 it was yesterday
Scripture of the day BEHOLD YE HATH DONE GREATER
INIQUITIES THAN THE LAMANITES OUR BRETHERN YOU
HAVE BROKEN THE HEARTS OF YOUR TENDER WIFES
AND LOST THE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE
OF YOUR BAD EXAMPLE BEFORE THEM AND THE SOBBING
OF THERE HEARTS ASCEND UNTO GOD AGAINST YOU
AND BECAUSE OF THE STRICTNESS OF THE WORD OF GOD
WICH COMETH DOWN AGAINST YOU MANY HEARTS
DIED PIERCED WITH DEEP WOUNDS!!!!!!
I to am a mother sometimes god is strict because he loves
Me i have come to peace that god and i made this plan
I chose the hard rode had i not walked the streets of abuse
And my survival of if i could not teach of it"
posted at 07:44:15 on October 28, 2014 by Anonymous


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"Don’t live your life in despair, feeling sorry for yourself because of the mistakes you have made. Let the sunshine in by doing the right things—now. It may be difficult to begin, but pick up the scriptures and immerse yourself in them. Look for favorite passages. Lean on the Master’s teachings, on His servants’ testimonies. Refresh your parched soul with the word of God. The scriptures will give you comfort and the strength to overcome. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990