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deathly overwhelmed
By they_speak
9/5/2012 12:02:23 AM
*disclaimer* I swear 3 times (6 if you count the d word the h word and eh-hole) and vent. Sorry for being a a jerk.

I have over 100 chemistry and physics problems to do before morning. If somebody could reduce my study habits over the last four days to an explainable theory they'd certainly be in line for a !@#$ing nobel prize. I could cry. I hate my brain with all the hate in hell. I wish I could sell out to the dark side, go kill some younglings, and take over the galaxy I'm so filled with hate and fear. I have focusaphobia. It's like I think i'll !@#$ing die if I sit down and do home work for four seconds. Nothing works. Not riddlin. Not dexidrin. Not focolin. Not zoloft. Not exercise. Not vitamins. Not fish oil. Not flax oil. Not coffee. Not grit. Not God. "Blindness??? Easy." "Leprosy??? Cinch." "ADD?.. Addiction?.. Oh, that's gonna be a problem..."

And right now,.all I want to do is go to a strip club (my version of killing younglings (Star Wars reference for those of you who have been asleep for the last 35 years)). If I go to a strip club it will, it should, equal divorce. Like, it's over. I keep thinking "Maybe, maybe you can keep it a secret. Just this once. Like the good ol' day's...that !@#$ing sucked and ate you alive like the ebola virus." I know I'll have to tell my wife. There are no such things as just this once for me. Then I'm like "Okay, okay, just go but don't talk to or touch any babes." Pfft. Really? Good hell. A) I'll talk to and touch babes and B) I'll talk to and touch babes.

Tired of this same old song and dance. The tune called "dissonance of conscience" pipes and a frazzled fool, I dance. The only magic bullet is a real bullet. Sometimes it seems death truly is the only way out. Except that I, in a horrible twist of irony, like my god damned (literally) life if I give it attention. I like rain. I like sunsets. I like air. I like my dog. I like water. I like plants. I like stars. They Speak to me.

"The beauty of the trees,
the softness of the air,
the fragrance of the grass,
speaks to me.

The summit of the mountain,
the thunder of the sky,
the rhythm of the sea,
speaks to me.

The strength of the fire,
the taste of salmon,
the trail of the sun,
and the life that never goes away,
they speak to me.
And my heart soars."

-Chief Dan George

...I just need to listen. Be still.

And P.S. for you eh-holes who have more than once over the years anonymously called me out for "waxing poetical"...Suck it.

Comments:

Do you have to use expletives to express yourself?    
"Seriously, you would have more power in what you are trying to say, you seem to want an audience. I like poetry but clean it up a bit, we are all skrewed up in a big way but the audience needs to read pure things, not crass and filthy bravado.

I really like reading what you have to say but it is becoming a bit too much."
posted at 04:54:49 on September 5, 2012 by Anonymous
Ironic...    
"that porn addicts would be so sensitive to cuss words. Fuck em'

Keep writing, they speak!"
posted at 07:07:37 on September 5, 2012 by Anonymous
I agree.    
"I agree and I'm not going to hide it - like either of you, behind an anonymous title.

When I see the (&)&$*$ I hear the swear word in my head. I struggle with swearing. Swearing is negative to me, and negativity leads to bad thoughts and acting out. When I hear a particular F word... it causes me to think of the 'act' of that F word... which I am also working to avoid.

So I'm asking you to calm it down... if you won't, that's ok too I respect that. Just as you have the option of calming it down or not, I also have the option of reading your posts or not. And I'm willing to do that too. Although I would much rather read than not because I have a lot I can learn from you.

But my recovery comes first - so just let me know if you are willing - and if not, I'll simply skim or skip your posts.

Thanks."
posted at 08:39:30 on September 5, 2012 by siouxsie
On that note..,    
"I did love the poetry... it's beautiful."
posted at 08:40:48 on September 5, 2012 by siouxsie
Oh and @anonymous #2    
"Is that what you are going to tell your Savior when you meet Him? Because that's how I strive to live my life. I don't justify and rationalize and make it OK for me to swear "because I'm an addict." I'm a daughter of God recovering from an addiction. Being a daughter of God is what defines me, not being an addict. So if you are OK with swearing because you are an addict, and choose to explode with cuss words to prove your point - have at it... but don't lump me in with your justifications to appear more in numbers than you really are."
posted at 08:46:18 on September 5, 2012 by siouxsie
Hey..    
"Wow. You've got a lot on your plate.

Haha. Yeah, it's never been "just this once" for me with my addiction, either. How many times have I told myself that? Just one more time and I'll quit. Wow. Addiction SUCKS. :( Boo. :/"
posted at 08:49:34 on September 5, 2012 by g1rlie
Answer    
"Sometimes. Sometimes not. To me words are little more than containers. What do they contain? Mine contain my soul. My soul IS crass and filthy bravado, sometimes. Sometimes it's humble. Sometimes it's calm. Sometimes it's flustered to high heaven. In the wise words of Neil A Maxwell "I am my primary audience." And I do not need to read or write "pure things." I can go to church for that which has served us all soooo well. I need the truth. Let me at it. The ugly beautiful bare naked hidden truth. D&C 93:24 - "and truth is the knowledge of things as they are..." As I am. Not always ideally. But as I am. As it is. Yatah bootah. As it is.

I do want an audience (I didn't know that lacked value?). Why else would I write here and not in a journal? But I'm unwilling to write for them only. Sorry for being so selfish. Remember how I was going to go to a strip club and get a divorce last night but didn't? Of 458 words you observed 3. Just a "bit to much." And consequentially assumed the content of the whole using 3 words of your own to describe it. Congratulations. You're a terrible scientist. Keep on your mask and go read your pure things.

Siouxsie, sometimes I swear. Sometimes I don't. If it's a big deal and you find yourself unable to surrender your triggers in any other way than to avoid them, best you not read my nonsense. I do put disclaimers a lot of times. I'll be better about warning you. You probably have little to learn from me anyway."
posted at 11:07:07 on September 5, 2012 by they_speak
Speak    
"Dude glad to see you still speaking. Hey man I understand your view and anon 1 I understand yours. It is plain to see your requests are based on trying to heal I respect that but anon 2 that is just the stupidest thing I have seen written on here to date. Great way to anonymously prove your anonymous point."
posted at 21:23:31 on September 5, 2012 by ruggaexpat
Rugga,    
"I don't believe you. There is no way that was THE stupidest thing you've seen written on here. : P
Are we on the same blog?"
posted at 22:20:24 on September 5, 2012 by Anonymous
I've read some pretty stupid stuff on here ;)    
"I don't mean to be a dick. To be honest I can see both sides as well. I guess the reason why I'm so stubborn about saying whatever the h...heck comes to mind is because I want to blow the lid off every taboo ever! I think taboo and pharisaical puritanism is one of the most corrosive and bogus things about the church. I am a later day sinner. Sorry world. And I find most people feel it a good breath of fresh air to finally be able to let go of the bull shit and say the same. That's why people loved J. Golden Kimball (I'm no Kimball obviously). He got people in touch with their humanness. It's okay to be human. Ya still need to repent and quit being a jack ass. But your human. Yes, that is what I'm going to tell the Savior. I was human. I was imperfect. I tried to love, forgive, and repent. And I failed miserably the whole time."
posted at 03:12:10 on September 6, 2012 by they_speak
well said    
"theyspeak, you are probably the reason I keep getting on this site."
posted at 08:10:17 on September 6, 2012 by Anonymous
My Goodness!    
"I for one am glad you vented and didn't act out. If that is what it takes, great. I think the fact that you put a disclaimer in is sufficient for those that don't want to read your foul mouth. Or did you go back and put that in later? Just a note from the other side; some of those who don't like the swearing have sensitive spirits that are truly offended by the language. You know my wife. She is one of those types. It isn't a case of “pharisaical puritanism” it is really purity of spirit. Having been raised by a truck driver who never swore, she doesn't see much excuse for it either. I unfortunately was raised by a somewhat hypocritical, proper little lady who did swear, so we have occasional conflicts. I believe in being myself and working towards being a better me. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable swearing in front of my friend Jesus and that is where I want to be, so I am trying to clean up my @#^%*$!!#& act! ;)

I like just hearing from you no matter how whacked it is.

Love,
John"
posted at 17:40:43 on September 8, 2012 by justjohn
Yeah, I put the disclaimer in after.    
"I often times put it in when I post. Just didn't this time till it was to late and I'd already offended people. Well John, you know I can't argue with a stance your wife takes :) My wife would disown me (of all the reasons she could disown me, ha!). And I know she's no puritan. She actually IS a saint (latter day). And I know everybody who doesn't dig on swearing isn't a prude either. I'm reminded of an Oprah episode when she had the cast from the movie Crash on. It's a movie about racism among other themes. Naturally "the N word" came up in the discussion. Oprah talked pretty openly about her abhorrence for it and the history behind it and on down through the line of the cast most everyone agreed. Then they got to the the rapper Ludacris sitting at the end of the row. There was a brief silence as if all eyes were on him, to give a response, everyone knowing how he uses word in his music. He said "Oh,.. I mean I see whatchya'll 'r sayin but I ain't gonna stop sayin it" Everyone just laughed. It was good comical relief. I see your points. But ain't gonna stop swearing. At least until I stop swearing in my prayers :)

p.s. I personally am not a fan of the N word just so there's no confusion about my story.

On that note a quote from one of my biggest hero's:

“I may be deemed superstitious, and even egotistical, in regarding this event as a special interposition of divine Providence in my favor. But I should be false to the earlierst sentiments of my soul, if I suppressed the opinion. I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and incur my own abhorrence. From my earliest recollection, I date the entertainment of a deep conviction that slavery would not always be able to hold me within its foul embrace; and in the darkest hours of my career in slavery, this living word of faith and spirit of hope departed not from me, but remained like ministering angels to cheer me through the gloom. This good spirit was from God, and to him I offer thanksgiving and praise.” --Frederick Douglass, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, An American Slave: Written by Himself (he taught himself to read and write by tricking kids into teaching him the alphabet. BAM! coolest. dude. ever.)

"for I did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning..." 1 Nephi 19:23"
posted at 18:39:13 on September 8, 2012 by they_speak


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"Just as the landfill requires dedicated work and attention, laboriously applying layer after layer of fill to reclaim the low-lying ground, our lives also require the same vigilance, continually applying layer after layer of the healing gift of repentance.…Our Father in Heaven and His Son, Jesus Christ, feel sorrow when we choose to remain in sin, when the gift of repentance made possible through the Atonement can clean, reclaim, and sanctify our lives. When we gratefully accept and use this precious gift, we can enjoy the beauty and usefulness of our lives... "

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General Conference October 2006