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For my son
By maddy
9/21/2012 12:16:47 PM
I've shared on here before that it breaks my heart but my young teenage son has started down the common road of pornography and masturbation addiction. Today I got the phone call from his school that he was caught looking at porn at school. I already know that I need to handle this with compassion as well as firmness, but what other advice would you all give me?

Comments:

Hmm    
"I'll try to think if I got caught.

I would feel angry. I've been fighting this for myself, holding myself accountable and trying my best to keep clean. Everytime I slip up, I hate myself and am down.
Now this whole "experience" has to be a family issue. I'm doing my best buy now every time I mess up it, not only am I disappointed in myself but my parents are going to look down at me. This is where hr anger comes from, I think.

Another emotion he might be feeling (I would be if I got caught) would be extreme embarrassment. Not only does his whole school know, many members in the church pros ably do too. So now I dread being made fun of at school, because no doubt somebody will. Then, everytime I go to church, I feel people will look at me differently. They won't think im a good Mormon or worthy to handle the sacrament. how can i even focus and church duties and learn the gospel of im worried about being nudged all the time. [if somehow nobody else knew he got caught maybe he won't worry. By rumors spread quick in school!]

I'm not sure if you said so but he has had problem with porn before? If so, it definitely makes things harder i guess. I'm surprised they don't have filters at school. um, can you tell us past experiences with his problem? It can kinda help with the direction you take with this.

As a teen guy, having a conversation about porn and masturbation with my mom sounds awful. We have an awesome relationship, but that subject is just weird. I'm not sure how old your son is, but age can make a difference. If hrs closer to that high teen age, he will get frustrated with you, i think. Because at our age, we are starting to feel it's our life, our battles, our consequences. So to have someone slapping our wrists like we were kids can make us angry. if he's younger, can it will be more about shame and guilt that he will feel.

So what should you? I'm not sure, but maybe if you kinda have an insight of what your some might be feeling/thinking (above) than maybe you'll get a better idea.
I do suggest asking him how he feels and what he wants to do. More question of what he wants can what you want. Good luck!"
posted at 13:18:02 on September 21, 2012 by moronidenovo
I love your comment Hurtallover    
"On the third paragraph. You say only 10% are true addicts and the other 90% are curious teens. The numbers might be off but he idea is right. I wish we understood that better!!"
posted at 13:21:09 on September 21, 2012 by moronidenovo
I really like that word, "nefarious". Well played sir.    
"If you've ever read my post you probably know I'm pretty slow to seek the Lord or even admit He's real or exists. But my opinion here, if it's serious enough there is no right answer on how to handle it. You have to get revelation. You must work by revelation. With perfect faith you must get revelation. Forget the ridged law and get in with the flow of the Spirit (John 3:8). I think it could be serious enough you're entitled to it. And you'll know if it's not that serious and be able to relax about it.

About a year ago when I wasn't writing on here much I was raising my little sister and can tell you something you already know, He will come. He will come in the moment of teaching. You will do and handle things different and better than you would have on your own. Just like Hurtallovers mom did. I'm convinced every time I was well parented it was because I was parented by the Spirit of God.

We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves. --Galileo Galilei"
posted at 21:33:41 on September 21, 2012 by they_speak
What worked with my son    
"My son is 14. We bought him a Kindle Fire for his birthday. It was a mistake. He started looking up inappropriate movies on Netflix. So, I took his Kindle away and explained to him that I didn't think it was a good idea for him to have it because there are things on the internet that are addictive and these things can hurt him. I explained that these things have hurt and caused problems for a lot of people. My son is free to use the internet on the computer in the living room.

Son was upset because he thought he was a bad person and he was worried that I thought he was a bad person for looking this stuff up. I explained to him that I don't think he is a bad person. But I do realize he is human just like the rest of us and we all make mistakes. And I even think he is a good person inside. It seemed to help him to know that all people make mistakes and just because he chose to look up inappropriate things on the internet, it doesn't make him bad.

Not sure if this helps, just sharing what worked with my son. Maybe it will be useful to you. But maybe not."
posted at 23:56:17 on September 21, 2012 by g1rlie
My Children    
"I rarely come on here nowadays, but when I say this post, my heart hurt for you, and I had to reach out.

You know my story well and I first want to express that I completely understand what your are going through, and in so many ways dealing with my children's addictions was more difficult for me than anything else I had ever endured to date. Both my husband and I have had to make some prayerful, heartbreaking decisions in the past few months regarding one of our children, but we did so moving forward with faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and He has been able to give both of us the strength necessary to do what had to be done. I apologize for not going into more detail, but my family's anonymity is more important than ever and sharing details jeopardize that. I know you understand.

Often when dealing with a child in this situation, the first reaction is to fix them, and although we are all broken in one form or another, fixing is not what they need. Truly you are the perfect mother for him and Heavenly has given you everything you need to deal with this discovery. I wish I had solutions of what has worked for us, but that has not happened yet. It took a long time for me, but I have truly let go, getting out of the way and letting God do what He does best. The answer is different for each child and through fasting, prayer, Temple attendance, and seeking the Lord in all you do, you will be lead to what is needed for your son. I no longer see my children as needing to "be fixed". I see them on their journey needing to embrace Jesus Christ on their own terms. All I can do is show them HIS light through the love I give them, pray for angels to watch over them, and then let go everyday.

You are aware that within a few months, I was forced out of denial and was hit with having to admit to myself that my husband and two of my children were caught in the snare of addiction. I had to do this all at once and It about took me out. I am still recovering from much of the pain and former shame we all endure. It is hard to see how many of our husbands and young children are being deceived by the evil one. As much as all of this has hurt me, I cannot imagine the pain my addicted loved ones live with. They do not want this!!!

Having said all of that, God is God and he can do whatever he wants. All we can do is to seek him early, love as he would have us love, and follow His spirit. Hopefully your solutions will come sooner than mine. Although my husband has been sober for 2 years and helping so many men find sobriety through Christ, my children are still struggling. All I can do is surrender all of this to my Savior, call an S-anon sponsor, read, pray and endure something I never thought would happen to our good little Mormon family. I wait upon the Lord and follow his counsel.

My husband is trying to get past the sabotaging self blame, knowing that his addiction left our family unprotected by the priesthood. I have told him may times that he has to let go of this, but it still deeply saddened as in the beginning he thought that it did not effect his family and that it was his problem only. He now knows that this is why we are counseled by prophets (living and dead) to shun pornography in any form. They clearly state that it will destroy your family... Not, it might, perhaps, maybe, no, IT WILL destroy your family. are all families with addicts guaranteed to have addicted children? Not necessarily, but looking back I don't think my hubby would have never looked even once.

We live with addiction in our home, both recovering and not. But I will leave you with the hope in knowing that Christ is where you look and He will heal your heart and make your burdens light. He can heal your son as well because He comes with healing in His wings for everyone who seeks Him.

Your an amazing woman and I know that you will be given all you need to lead your family through to His light. You will have a peace that surpasses all understanding. As you know it takes a while to get there, but as you have experienced this miracle before with your husband, so will you experience it with your son as you follow the same steps. I am at peace and have been for a while, even in the storm.

Hang in there, it is gonna be a bumpy ride. You know.... we are taught that you (and I ) signed up for long before we came to earth. Imagine that , sheesh :)

Special prayers for you sister Maddy...

Angel"
posted at 00:27:55 on September 24, 2012 by angelmom
wholly smokes    
"I told you the same thing a year ago. I forgot. Was just rummaging through all the lessons I've learned (my old posts) and never put into practice and boom, here I am encouraging you to the same course as the other day. I'm not sayin it means anything...but I'm kinda sayin maybe it means something ;)

When I was 14 I went to, youth camp?, like efy but just the stake and only 3 days. I heard something there that I've never forgotten. Joseph Smith described revelation as "sudden burst of thought". The reason I've never forgot is because in the moment of hearing the principal I had "a sudden burst of thought" concerning who was to become in the kingdom. Though I was but a lad. I called and told my mom about it and she believed me and has never let me forget.

I can not describe what came to me the other night in any other way than to call it a sudden burst of thought. It was so random too. That's why I took note. And wrote it down and told you about it.

One more story. In Nauvoo shortly before his death Joseph would often meet with Brigham Young at night to discuss plans for going west. One evening he came to Brigham several times with one message (it seems the Lord is fond of sharing/teaching important messages over and over - Christ to Peter, Moroni to Joseph etc.). Never be in a hurry. I guess the last time he was pretty intense about it. Brigham, never be in a hurry.

Anyway, I'm not sayin I'm Joseph and you're certainty no Brigham Young ;);) but I've learned when something comes to me multiple times, even if its something simple or obvious, I pay attention. Perhaps the need for revelation is for you. So you can fnd comfort in courses of action you take knowing the Lord is in it. I don't know. It's your experience. But the Lord IS in it. Good luck Maddy.

P.s. I hope this didn't come across as Mr. High and mighty or whatever. I don't know anything. I just know Jesus is pretty darn cool. And he totally digs you :)"
posted at 15:09:02 on September 5, 2013 by they_speak
Prn Suxs    
"I feel bad for you and your son. I feel bad for teenage boys in general that have to contend with this. Their minds are too immature to fully understand what is going on and they feel they can't help themselves. I was that person when I was a teenager. Thank goodness that I did not have access to the Internet as I would have been completely incapacitated. If my parents had found out I would HAVE DIED. Such an awkward situation. I hope you and your son can work it out. His father is not around to help?"
posted at 15:54:23 on September 5, 2013 by matt78
One year    
"Almost a year ago now....hmmmm....

That incident opened up communication. I guess in a way I am grateful for it because my son and I talk pretty openly about sex addictions. It isn't perfect and I know he doesn't like talking with his mom on this topic and I don't believe that he is 100% honest with me, but we at least can discuss things.

Things aren't better. Nothing is fixed, but we are trudging through. I've decided that my job isn't to focus on anything other than showing my son I love him. I never did 'punish' this situation, nor the others that have come up. I haven't been perfect with being compassionate and loving....I have a bad tendency of lecturing and getting all melodramatic. But recently we've made some great breakthroughs with just taking it a day at a time. No past baggage. No future fears.

I am pretty slow with revelation, Speak. I've had a pretty hard heart over the past few months. I know I need to get back on my knees but I've been going through an angry phase.

And no, Matt. He can talk to his dad each night if he wants to but he isn't around."
posted at 21:55:36 on September 5, 2013 by maddy
Lol,    
"I have a hard time believing that. Revelation seems a snap to artist's and poets :) Maybe they/you just aren't always recognizing it.

About the anger; have you read The Shack? I'm not finished but so far pretty awesome. God (the Father) is portrayed as this big aunt Jemima lady. There's a part where 'Papa' (God) is cooking in the kitchen with ear buds in listening to music. The protagonist ask what she is listening to and she tells him hip hop. It's been awhile since I left off reading but if I remember correct he questions her saying he didn't exactly picture God listening to hip hop. She acts almost shocked as if why not?? She goes on to explain how she's hearing her kid's pain (in effect. i'm missing a lot of details) and anger. A lot of it (pain and anger) justified too. And then in endearing tone tells him how she likes some of the music too. Lol.

Anyway, like I said Maddy, I believe God digs you. Your anger and all. He's listening to your hip-hop and gangster rap music wether you're expressing it to him or not."
posted at 00:53:20 on September 20, 2013 by they_speak
Seeing God like He is    
"You know Speak, I think you understand God a lot better than me. I get Him all mixed up by making Him too far away from me or too like me.

I don't like being around people who 'misbehave'. I don't like a screaming tantrum from a two year old and believe no one would. So of course I think God doesn't like me when I am being that screaming two year old. I think He is like me.

On the other hand I think He is so far away and so perfect that He is unreachable. I think He can't possibly be approachable by someone like me. I think He is nothing like me.

I want to believe in a God who listens to my gangsta' rap. (Though if you saw me walking down the street you'd know I've never listened to rap a day in my life just by looking at me! LOL!)

Thanks for your words....

For whatever it is worth, my son came to me tonight to tell me how much he loved me. It was so tender and totally out of the blue. We are a pretty broken family. But today was a good day."
posted at 21:34:21 on September 22, 2013 by maddy
I hear you maddy    
"Broken family, yup, that's us. My son, our only communication goes back and forth like this..I love you... I love you too. Pretty safe subject. That is all we can do at this point and I feel blessed that we atleast have something.

To me God is grace and for me I find His grace when I am just too tired to fight anymore. He is my one constant and the only one I count on. Tonight, im pretty tired so I think it should be the perfect time to partake of his grace."
posted at 23:47:58 on September 22, 2013 by angelmom
Hahaha!    
"You don't like people who misbehave? Oh man you'd hate my guts! ;)

Tonight after an AA meeting a guy pulled me aside and said before AA he looked for God and couldn't find him. He looked for a soul and couldn't find it. He said he found both in others. He said he heard God through me. The feeling was mutual. The story about your son...there's your revelation Maddy. It's worth eternities.

Lol, and since you've never listened to rap allow me to introduce you to some. Peep this. Love it or hate it the lyrics are the jam. They're talking about Daniel and how he (and all of us) conquered through surrender to God. The second dude kills it. Sometimes I get emotional during his set. Enjoy.

( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXhDIBMZ-PM )

p.s. That's an interesting insight about your God perception. I think maybe we all create God in our own image and then make him unreachable/non-relatable at times."
posted at 00:05:05 on September 23, 2013 by they_speak
Misbehaving    
"I'd only hate you if you were related to me Speak. Like Beclean pointed out to me, I love, love, love my fellowman no matter what terrible things they do, unless of course they are in my family and then I judge them and want to run screaming from them. It is part of my disease.

I gotta admit, I listened, I really, really tried your song Speak. I'll even try again. I think I am just not cool enough! LOL! I couldn't even understand what they were saying. Ha ha ha. I wish they had the lyrics up so I could read them, but I still may be a lost cause. I was raised on folk music and opera. Like I said, so not cool.

Your comment about creating God in my own image....ya, that cut to the core. So true that it hurts...

Angel - I think that part of the reason God gave me the life that I have is because hanging with addicts has been a softening process for my heart. I am not where you are yet. Maybe I never will be...I still have a lot of fight in me. The angry, bitter fight. I can feel it in me. My pride doesn't want me to let it go. I am trying to get God to join me in a tug-o-war over my heart and He just wont play. It makes me mad. I am offering pieces of me and then yanking back. He just sits and waits for me to knock it off. But like Speak talked about, being with addicts (at ARP) has made me see how gentle He is with others when they finally lay down their burden. It chisels away at my hard heart to see them trying. Maybe someday I'll soften towards my family. I think we are getting there slowly. It feels too slow, but maybe we are actually right on schedule. Who knows? I sure don't."
posted at 08:14:37 on September 23, 2013 by maddy


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"[The Savior] is saying to us, "Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going," He says, "we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness," He promises. "I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.""

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