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1st blog
By Malibu
10/23/2012 3:24:10 PM
Not sure what to say. I feel like adding my problems to what I've read would be selfish. So many here already feel like they're at rock bottom. How would my story help? I don't think it would. I hurt. But I'm also tired of hurting. So tired of hurting.

Comments:

Your story helps...    
"Sharing your story will help others who also struggle. As addicts we see ourselves as being the only ones who struggle. Share away! Verbalizing your own struggles is very therapeutic."
posted at 17:25:23 on October 23, 2012 by chefdalet
Welcome!    
"Hey, it's awesome that you are joining us! This is a forum/blog site, so ask and share away! The people on this site are fellow addicts and many of us feel exactly what you are going through. We are here for you, so come to us with any help you need, wisdom you can share, and comments you can make.

Good luck, and please ask for help. The Lord is on your side! -chis"
posted at 18:22:04 on October 23, 2012 by Chiswright
Looking for advise    
"Ok In a nut shell, I'm 50, inactive, sexual addict with porn and mb. Marriage held by thread. She may have already given up on us and I wouldn't blame her. We don't talk much. She has shut down only spews contempt and hatred when she does talk to me. Again all deserved. We don't sleep in same bed very often and then only when kids visit etc. trust is gone, I don't like myself. I'm still in love with her, she may or may not care. I come home from work ill get a nod and sometimes a quick hey. Sometimes we'll talk a bit. Nothing too deep. This is where a marriage goes if your addictions continue.
Here is my question. If I'm willing to repent and do everything necessary to be over this...which I've said a hundred times before. Is there any hope? I just want her to be happy again. Even if its without me."
posted at 01:17:51 on October 24, 2012 by Malibu
I recognize this part of the cycle    
"I try really hard for about a month. No mb or porn. Tell myself and The Lord how hard I'm going to try this time. After a month I start feeling like my hard work is not paying off as far as my relation with wife is concerned. I start asking her to " at least be nice to me and not always talk down to me" sometime during 2 nd month I relapse and hide it from her because she already has no trust in me. I slowly start resenting her and in my mind even feel sorry for myself and blaming her for relapses. I go 6 or 7 months totally keeping addiction from her til she either discovers it or senses it. Anger guilt and depression sets in and I contemplate if I want to give up or fight on. Usually I choose fight on. Which is where I'm at now. When I felt like giving up we separated a couple of times, which I think I hated more than she did. I want this time to be different. I'm typing with tears in my eyes. What do I do? If the answer is its too late I need to know that also."
posted at 01:38:41 on October 24, 2012 by Malibu
Never give up    
"I would keep on fighting and not give up ever. Giving up equals misery. Pornography and masturbation will only leave you empty in the darkness. It has nothing to offer you other than lust and temporary pleasure followed by the hopelessness sin brings. Read the twelve step program and do your best to follow all of them. Find an addiction recovery group in your local area to join up with. Even if your wife refuses to forgive you you still need to put the Atonement of Christ and healing from this addiction in your own life."
posted at 01:54:06 on October 24, 2012 by Anonymous
Great folks here..valuable advice.    
"Take what works...Everyone's journey is different.
My story is about the same as yours...3 years no porn or mb this week! We both came close to leaving, but got help and it worked.
1. Get in a program...ARP or PASG. Work the steps quietly and allow her to see the change in your behavior first, and then your attitudes will follow.
2. Regular meetings with Bishop. He holds the keys to your repentance which is vital
3. Counseling. You need to get the back junk and resentment out of your head.

There are many of us on here who can testify that this doesn't need to end your marriage. Get in touch with your Heavenly Father. Let him help. You said that you were "inactive"....hate that word. At some point you must have been "active". As Alma said, "If you have once felt to sing the songs of redeeming love...can ye feel so now".
Do some reading about the addiction, and let your wife work at her own pace. She will by nature be skeptical of your efforts. Keep plugging away because you are doing this for YOU, not HER. Ultimately if you are successful, everything will fall into place....IF YOU DO THE WORK. Good luck bro."
posted at 10:45:37 on October 24, 2012 by chefdalet
I recognize this part of the cycle    
"I try really hard for about a month. No mb or porn. Tell myself and The Lord how hard I'm going to try this time. After a month I start feeling like my hard work is not paying off as far as my relation with wife is concerned. I start asking her to " at least be nice to me and not always talk down to me" sometime during 2 nd month I relapse and hide it from her because she already has no trust in me. I slowly start resenting her and in my mind even feel sorry for myself and blaming her for relapses. I go 6 or 7 months totally keeping addiction from her til she either discovers it or senses it. Anger guilt and depression sets in and I contemplate if I want to give up or fight on. Usually I choose fight on. Which is where I'm at now. When I felt like giving up we separated a couple of times, which I think I hated more than she did. I want this time to be different. I'm typing with tears in my eyes. What do I do? If the answer is its too late I need to know that also."
posted at 11:59:35 on October 24, 2012 by Malibu
How to communicate progress to wife    
"If I talk about recovery at all she shuts off. How do I let her knowof my progress and communicate honesty etc. or should I keep it to myself and just make progress and hope for best?"
posted at 18:53:27 on October 24, 2012 by Malibu
There is always hope    
"Don't give up. There is always hope.

Just speaking from my own viewpoint, I don't know if it is always good to tell your spouse everything. Husband and I went to a Sexaholics Anonymous meeting and the wife of the addict (she was not an addict) said she didn't want to know the details because she felt that would be dumping on her. Maybe other situations it would work out better if the spouse knew everything. I don't know. But I have told my spouse as little as possible, but he does know of my addiction. I told my bishop and my sponsor the whole deal, though. If either of those individuals told me I should tell my husband everything, I would.

Malibu--Yeah, it seems you have something to deal with that I never had to deal with--women's intuition. That's gotta be difficult. :/ Good luck!

For myself, from experience, I had to recover for myself only. I, personally, found I didn't get anywhere when I'd try to change for my husband or even for my children. It seems I can change for myself, though. Making progress, but not where I'd like to be. After all, no one in the entire world is stuck with me. But I am stuck with me.

You'll get there, Malibu. But it takes time. :) Take what you want and leave the rest. Prayers sent up for you."
posted at 15:06:59 on October 25, 2012 by g1rlie
I'll just ask her    
"I decided to just ask my wife what she preferred, to update her on my recovery or keep it to myself.
Her answer was sobering... She said it doesn't matter, that in a few weeks all this high energy to "recover" would fade and I would have less and less interest in keeping her in any loop soon anyways. Ouch! I didn't know how to respond at first. I just said I felt I only had two choices. To try or not try. She said "that's fine, you always say that too". Feel like I'm in a Star Trek episode of time continuum. The hurt I've caused is greater than my mind can even comprehend. I actually feel what I'm feeling is all new and that this time it will be different.... Again.....I just don't know who I am anymore.....I've got 3 days p and m free. It's all I've got but its something."
posted at 23:58:41 on October 25, 2012 by Malibu
My mindset early in recovery.....    
"For this to work, I had to convince myself that i was doing this (recovery) for ME. I was sure she was going to leave anyway. I mostly kept it to myself until she started to show an interest...3 months or so. You can't force your wife to love you. This is YOUR mess. Own it!!
Put in the time..it's a process. Allow the atonement to work in BOTH of your lives, but know that both of your "recoveries" will progress at different rates. Hang in there!"
posted at 08:14:05 on October 26, 2012 by chefdalet
@Malibu    
"Last night while at work, I listened to a really great speech I found on the BYU Broadcasting website. I felt it was so appropriate and wonderful for us addicts. It really explained grace to me in a way I hadn't thought of it before. It also explained how many people try and try and try and keep failing. But then they give up because they feel it is not possible for them to succeed. This speech explained how it is possible for us to overcome our addictions. And it was explained that overcoming discouragement is part of the test. And guess who wants us to be discouraged? The adversary. These feelings of discouragement do not come from God.

This talk totally made me cry. I get so discouraged because I try so hard and I keep failing. Every time has been The Last Time. This speech that I listened to made me feel much more hopeful. Maybe you would like it also. Here is an excerpt and then a link to the talk.

Christ’s arrangement with us is similar to a mom providing music lessons for her child. Mom pays the piano teacher. How many know what I am talking about? Because Mom pays the debt in full, she can turn to her child and ask for something. What is it? Practice! Does the child’s practice pay the piano teacher? No. Does the child’s practice repay Mom for paying the piano teacher? No. Practicing is how the child shows appreciation for Mom’s incredible gift. It is how he takes advantage of the amazing opportunity Mom is giving him to live his life at a higher level. Mom’s joy is found not in getting repaid but in seeing her gift used—seeing her child improve. And so she continues to call for practice, practice, practice.

If the child sees Mom’s requirement of practice as being too overbearing (“Gosh, Mom, why do I need to practice? None of the other kids have to practice! I’m just going to be a professional baseball player anyway!”), perhaps it is because he doesn’t yet see with mom’s eyes. He doesn’t see how much better his life could be if he would choose to live on a higher plane.
Then I ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: “Have you been changed by grace?” They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place. Latter-day Saints know not only what Jesus has saved us from but also what He has saved us for. As my friend Brett Sanders puts it, “A life impacted by grace eventually begins to look like Christ’s life.” As my friend Omar Canals puts it, “While many Christians view Christ’s suffering as only a huge favor He did for us, Latter-day Saints also recognize it as a huge investment He made in us.” As Moroni puts it, grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior (see Moroni 7:48).Christ’s Grace Is Sufficient to Help Us

“But Brother Wilcox, don’t you realize how hard it is to practice? I’m just not very good at the piano. I hit a lot of wrong notes. It takes me forever to get it right.” Now wait. Isn’t that all part of the learning process? When a young pianist hits a wrong note, we don’t say he is not worthy to keep practicing. We don’t expect him to be flawless. We just expect him to keep trying. Perfection may be his ultimate goal, but for now we can be content with progress in the right direction. Why is this perspective so easy to see in the context of learning piano but so hard to see in the context of learning heaven?

Too many are giving up on the Church because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short. They have tried in the past, but they always feel like they are just not good enough. They don’t understand grace.

There are young men who grow up their whole lives singing, “I hope they call me on a mission,” and then they do actually grow a foot or two and flake out completely. They get their Eagles, graduate from high school, and go away to college. Then suddenly these young men find out how easy it is to not be trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, or reverent. They mess up. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “I’ll never do it again,” and then they do it. They say, “This is stupid. I will never do it again.” And then they do it. The guilt is almost unbearable. They don’t dare talk to a bishop. Instead, they hide. They say, “I can’t do this Mormon thing. I’ve tried, and the expectations are just way too high.” So they quit. These young men don’t understand grace.

I know returned missionaries who come home and slip back into bad habits they thought were over. They break promises made before God, angels, and witnesses, and they are convinced there is no hope for them now. They say, “Well, I’ve blown it. There is no use in even trying any more.” Seriously? These young people have spent entire missions teaching people about Jesus Christ and His Atonement, and now they think there is no hope for them? These returned missionaries don’t understand grace.
The grace of Christ is sufficient—sufficient to cover our debt, sufficient to transform us, and sufficient to help us as long as that transformation process takes. The Book of Mormon teaches us to rely solely on “the merits, and mercy, and grace of the Holy Messiah” (2 Nephi 2:8). As we do, we do not discover—as some Christians believe—that Christ requires nothing of us. Rather, we discover the reason He requires so much and the strength to do all He asks (see Philippians 4:13). Grace is not the absence of God’s high expectations. Grace is the presence of God’s power (see Luke 1:37).

Here it is: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1966"
posted at 08:58:31 on October 26, 2012 by g1rlie
Thanks will listen now    
"Awesome"
posted at 14:16:17 on October 26, 2012 by Malibu


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"In recent years, as I have sung the hymns of the Atonement, it has been with an especially full heart—and also with full voice, when I can continue to sing—lines such as “How great thou art,” “I scarce can take it in,” “To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,” “I stand all amazed,” and “Oh, it is wonderful!”"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987