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It's not God's forgiveness I'm worried about
By johnroberts
3/23/2013 1:13:22 AM
...it's never finding a wife. I've struggled with porn in waves, usually having a relapse for a week or two at a time every 2-3 months since my mission (I've been home 6 and a half years). I'm not married, and part of the reason behind this, I feel, is the continuous problem I have with porn.

However, during my attempts to talk to bishops and give them a heads up that I'm dealing with this, they've never taken away my temple recommend or censured me in any way. I honestly think this was doing me a disservice - being forced into finding a support system such as this site would have helped me get control of my addiction sooner, but when it comes down to it, I'm the one who didn't aggressively seek out these additional resources earlier.

Anyway, here's my point: my temple recommend has expired, and my current bishop is waiting until I'm sober for 90 days before I can have one again. I understand where he's coming from, and I think he's doing the right thing. But where I am has made me very aware of how much I've messed up my life. I know that like 70% of men in the church have a problem with this, but that's not how the women of the church perceive it. Pornography use - even in the past - is considered a red flag, not just a warning sign. And as someone who is working hard to become the ideal husband, successfully in nearly every way except this one, I feel frustrated. Not at anyone else, but at myself.

The reason I feel this way is that I see myself as someone who's blown it. I'm too intelligent, ambitious and educated to settle for someone who's not going to be a kingdom builder, but I feel that even when I get this under control, nothing will be enough to overcome my past and convince some righteous woman (and her father) that yes, I'm a safe choice.

I dunno. I've kind of made my bed, and now I need to sleep in it, but I'd rather be single and alone the rest of my life than married to the wrong person. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Comments:

ps    
"And yeah, I could just hide it and pretend it isn't a problem, then convince some woman to marry me. But as I read this site and others, I see how harmful that is to relationships. Like, that doesn't work. It's building a marriage on a dishonest foundation. So I'm trying to deal with this well before I'm even seriously considering marriage because I don't want to burden my future family with this."
posted at 01:15:06 on March 23, 2013 by johnroberts
Dude    
"For real, there is no such thing as a perfect man or woman. You're gonna find some other person who is imperfect. All people are imperfect. As you fall in love and accept the imperfections of the person you want to marry, Ms. Imperfect will also need to accept your imperfections."
posted at 02:24:21 on March 23, 2013 by g1rlie
John    
"Have you read Dr. Hilton's book. He Restoreth My Soul? Check our Dr. D Weiss, he has amazing results with helping addicts get clean and stay clean. If you really want this you can do it. Do not let the porn keep you from being a real man... There is this scientific study that was done with butterflies. They took these cardboard butterflies and painted them more vibrant colors than the natural butterflies. The male butterflies chose to mate with the cardboard, the fake one, even when the real female butterfly was right next to the fake one. The males were choosing the more visually attractive fake one over the real deal!! Ponder that! "
posted at 02:26:23 on March 23, 2013 by Hero
Faith    
"Please trust that the women in the Church have more faith in the Atonement than all that.

Girlie is spot on: We are all imperfect. Don't worry about marrying the wrong person and just worry about being the right person yourself.

As far as getting forgiveness from your future spouse....well, 12 step it! You are being honest here....that is good. Keep going. Eventually you'll get to a place where you can submit this fear and worry over to Christ and let Him remove it from you. You said it wasn't God's forgiveness that you were worried about. Well, I would gently suggest, since you asked for our thoughts, that while I think I understand what you were saying (that you KNOW God will forgive you, because He is so merciful) that you don't trust that someone here on Earth is as merciful and could ever come to love you with your past. Start asking yourself questions about that: Why do you feel like this makes you impossible to love? Is it lack of trust in people? or perhaps lack of trust that Christ said He can make you ENTIRELY pure? Do you believe Him? Do you believe He directs your life if you let Him? So what do you have to worry about?

JohnRoberts - My husbands addiction has been a huge blessing in my marriage. "WHAT?!?!?! " You might be thinking! "Is she crazy??" Well I probably am but that is beside the point. God gave my husband this trial for his own good and mine. It is a blessing. I am grateful for it. It has humbled us both in unimaginable ways. This is what the Atonement has done for me. And I am not remarkable in this. There are thousands upon thousands of women who can honestly look at your trials and thank their Heavenly Father for the wisdom and compassion it has brought to you. (I should add that you just need to make sure you are letting it bring you wisdom and compassion! LOL) You can be a better husband and father BECAUSE of the road you have walked. She, whoever she is, can love you more because of it. I know it is possible.

Submit this fear over to God. Trust him. Trust his daughters. Live worthily and don't worry about the rest.

Peace brother."
posted at 21:42:40 on March 23, 2013 by maddy


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"Freedom from your transgression will come through sincere faith, true repentance, willing obedience, and the giving of self. Why the giving of self? Because selfishness is at the root of your problem. Where selfishness and transgression flourish, the Spirit of the Lord can’t enter your life to bless you. To succeed, you must conquer your selfishness. When your beacon is focused on self, it does little more than blind your vision. When turned outward through acts of kindness and love, it will light your path to happiness and peace. "

— Richard G. Scott

General Conference May 1990