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FINALLY seeking help and support
By SeekingHelp
3/25/2013 7:48:35 PM
Here goes nothing:

I am 22. I've been struggling with an addiction to porn and masturbation since....I can't even remember when it started. When I was younger it was always an on and off thing because my dad was smart and had the computer in the living room. But there were times when I was home alone and that was always when it would happen. I'd always get to excited "FINALLY alone" I would tell myself. I even ventured into the realm of cyber sex and role play through instant messenger. I was spiraling and FAST.

When I was 15 I got involved with a guy. We weren't dating at first, just really close friends. He wasn't a member of the church and started to want more from me. I gave in and gave him something I can NEVER get back. We eventually started exclusively dating and we were basically having sex every chance we got. I see now that was really all he wanted. When I was 18 we went through the hardest break up I have ever been through. I understand now that he never really loved me, but I loved him completely.

Since that break up, my addiction to porn and masturbation increased 10 fold. I was on the internet doing the cyber sex and role play every day. I couldn't get enough of that one moment of pleasure. The horrible thing about this all is that since I was 18 I have been attending a church school. I've never told any of my bishops on campus about my addiction because I didn't want to be expelled. And mostly when I was at school I wasn't as heavily involved as when I was not.

I recently ventured into the realm of getting on a webcam. That was when I realized that I had hit my rock bottom. I had hundreds of people who I didn't know watching me. I had hit the bottom of my hell hole and I needed help out. It was then I reached out for the support I needed. I texted one of my best friends and he has been a HUGE support for me. It was that support that lead me to look for something like this. I need support to kick this and I hope, like many of you, that I can find that here.

Comments:

Really?    
"You need to tone it down a little, if you are actually for real."
posted at 22:56:33 on March 25, 2013 by Anonymous
Wow...    
"I'm kinda trying to work on that, ya know if you didn't catch that before. But thanks for the judgement and criticism, I really appreciate it...NOT!!!That is just the kind of support I was looking for....uhhhh NOT!!! If people around here are gonna be jerks about my situation I will go looking else where for support. Its people like you who make people in situations like mine not want to reach out for help."
posted at 00:29:06 on March 26, 2013 by SeekingHelp
really?    
"You're an ass anonymous.

Seekinghelp, congratulations on reaching out! That's a big step. Sorry about the lame comment above. Don't let anyone make you feel shame for doing the right thing (bringing this to honest light).

Have you been to any 12 step meetings? Dude, they rule. Get the SA White Book too. It will change your life.

There's hope. There is. I'm one of the most degenerate scoundrels in the world but, God loves me! Lately, this may sound weird, sometimes I swear He just wants to smooch me all over my cheeks and just squeeze the shit out of me! Anyway, my point is, if I can find even a smidgen of hope I bet there's tons in store for you! Keep posting. Seriously."
posted at 00:33:17 on March 26, 2013 by they_speak
p.s.    
"I wrote that before I saw you stuck up for yourself. Well done. Most people on here are intelligent enough to see the irony of asking others to clean it up. Ignore him. I think sharing what you did was courageous and I think you're very brave :)"
posted at 00:38:37 on March 26, 2013 by they_speak
Why so defensive?    
""The lady doth protest too much, methinks" Either way, you should probably tone it down. There are people here who "get off" on stories like this."
posted at 09:33:01 on March 26, 2013 by Anonymous
Hmmmmn...    
"And by "people" you mean YOU?
If that post gets you off, methinks you've got deeper problems."
posted at 10:33:30 on March 26, 2013 by Anonymous
She's defensive    
"Cause you're an idiot and what she's doing is hard enough without you effin it all up. What if she never wrote again, gave up, and never found recovery? Would it have been worth trying to selfishly spare yourself the triggers cause you don't know how to surrender them? You need a program buddy. Her post is mellow. And honest."
posted at 10:41:28 on March 26, 2013 by they_speak
good job for your courage and trying to seek help!:)    
"@anonymous-she or he is being VERY REAL! why she have to tone it down?? this is called sex addiction. She is being like every sex addict does. That really turn you on? sorry it's so easy for you to get off on it. Pray buddie!!!! Her story is super common and sad when people like you make her feel bad she opening up trying to get help. Your the first response to what she saids. There is a wonderful lds mtg for women on wed nights in orem. It's lds 12 step and a whole bunch of women who have your story who are porn, masterbation, chat with men online addicts, etc, or basically addicted to sex or lust. Check it out. The spirit is strong. Good job for opening up. Keep it up. It rare like anon guys to get off by your story. I been to a million mtgs and told opposite sex and I feel very safe. I think men are just more shock we have the same problem as them! But it's the addict that is the same in both male and female."
posted at 10:57:42 on March 26, 2013 by marie sober
@ Everyone except anonymous    
"Thank you for standing up for this person. She needs our support. Plus, it really sucks when you go somewhere for healing and people judge you and treat you bad.

@Seekinghelp--There is hope! You can make it out of that pit. The journey is difficult, but worth it!"
posted at 13:09:43 on March 26, 2013 by g1rlie
Seeking help    
"We are a dysfunctional family around here. As you can see! LOL! Not the welcome I would want for you, but welcome none the less.

You have courage and Christ has the power to fix all this. That is all it takes. Well, that and time and consistency. All of us can promise that this wont be an easy road, but it can be an unimaginably beautiful one.

We'll help where we can. Hugs!"
posted at 14:51:47 on March 26, 2013 by maddy
This    
"This whole spiel here proves my point that people on this site mostly like argument and confrontation (online). I mean why can't we give out nice advice without coming to the rescue of someone else.

Idk, good for you guys but check your motives. If I'm wrong, let me know."
posted at 19:05:25 on March 26, 2013 by mint
You're wrong    
"First of all she didn't ask for advice. She asked for help and support. Besides you and anonymous we certainly showed our support. Second of all personally I gave her the best advice I know of. 12 step meetings and recovery literature. Until she, HOPEFULLY, posts more recovery questions and thoughts there's not a lot of advice to give. This is her story. Support is the best thing she could have asked for in my opinion.

As far as motives go my motive was to reassure her that not everyone here is as retarded as that anonymous in hopes it would encourage her to keep posting and being honest in spite of him/her. I'm not exactly sure what she means by her web cam experience but if it wasn't just online "dating" type web caming - like she got paid (which I just wonder because she said hundreds of guys) - my understanding is that can be a hop skip and a jump away from doing porn. It kind of is porn anyway. Which by the way Seekinghelp I don't judge you one bit for if that's the case. I get that that's the most extreme interpretation and possibility of that BUT it's a possibility and I think the risk of being a dick (or just unsupportive) to someone in such a potentially precarious situation and driving them away is absolutely unacceptable. Its not what the Lord would do."
posted at 20:07:06 on March 26, 2013 by they_speak
Mint...    
"It seems ironic that you call someone out for being argumentative...or question someone's motives, of all things."
posted at 22:40:59 on March 26, 2013 by Anonymous
Being the bigger person...    
"Because I NEED this. And just for the record, since there seems to be confusion on the issue, I happen to be FEMALE

@anon I am choosing to ignore you because your a jerk.

@They Speak Thank you SO much for your words and encouragement! That is that kind of thing I need. Now, I am going to address both your posts at once. I have looked into the meetings, but at the moment I don't have my own vehicle and I don't really want people asking questions right now. I'm not quite ready for that. As for this book, how can I get that? As for the webcam thing...Since this is the most honest I have been with people in a while I might as well keep going. It was though the site Adult Friend Finder...yup, I got pretty low. And it wasn't until I took a few steps back and looked at my life that I realized that. The whole becoming porn thing is what opened my eyes that I needed help. I again thank you for your support and encouragement.

@Kickit I will read the article when I get a chance :)

@Marie, G1rlie, and Maddy Thank you for the encouragement!

I am taking this one step at a time. I've been about 4 days sober, but I've been here before and its just had to see an end to it all. The difference this time is that its not just a want for me, its a NEED. And I hope that with support I can make it last this time."
posted at 22:44:22 on March 26, 2013 by SeekingHelp
Seekinghelp,    
"I want to wish you the best of luck and tell you that I admire your courage and honesty. You can get one of those white books at any SA meeting. Sexaholics Anonymous. I hope you continue to build on the courage you've shown here. Many of us learned, quite quickly, that this site will NOT keep us clean and fix our addiction. It can be a source of support, information, and encouragement (or judgment :P) But it is usually a real live fellowship that begins the process of recovery in earnest. There may be exceptions but they are rare. Sometimes this site helps us as we build the courage to take that next step. Good luck to you! And !Bravo! on not letting anyone chase you off!!"
posted at 23:04:58 on March 26, 2013 by Anonymous
For me    
"Meetings are essential. You don't have to share and no one will prod you with questions. You can just listen and get an idea for what they are like. It's not even like here (this site). They discourage something they call cross talk. Which is responding to other peoples shares. People just share their stories of recovery and the group leaves it at that. If you want dialogue you can seek it out after the meeting but you don't have too. When you're ready definitely consider it. When you're ready.

As for the White Book you can get one at Genesis Book in SLC 248 E 3900 S. Or there are some girls here that I'm sure you could email and get in touch with that would be more than willing to meet you and get you one. You can also get the lds family services recovery manual. But the White Book is better for sex addiction in my not so humble opinion. Way better.

Lol, anonymous and I must have been writing at the same time. Yeah, what he/she said :)"
posted at 23:10:08 on March 26, 2013 by they_speak
Anon    
"@anon I am choosing to ignore you because your a jerk.

Then why do you keep bringing it up?"
posted at 09:41:37 on March 27, 2013 by Anonymous
ha!    
"that's the best you can come up with? You need to quit lookin at porn - it kills creativity."
posted at 12:09:02 on March 27, 2013 by they_speak
Please    
"Can we not turn this into and argument/insult/rude/lets all be jerks fest? I would personally appreciate that. I am guilty of it, yes, but lets stop now please."
posted at 13:21:21 on March 27, 2013 by SeekingHelp
okay    
"but porn does kill creativity. That was no foolin. I swear it's lowered my IQ at least 50 points. At least.

... I'm just glad you're still posting :)"
posted at 14:06:44 on March 27, 2013 by they_speak
Anon    
"Sorry for not taking you seriously. Regards."
posted at 14:10:54 on March 27, 2013 by Anonymous
@ Anon    
"I want you to know that I am serious. I've reached my rock bottom and I am not reaching out for help. You have no clue how many tears were shed while I wrote my post or how much my hands were shaking before and after I clicked submit. Talking about this is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't want you to feel attacked in anyway, in fact I would invite future comments from you as long as they are positive and encouraging. That is what I really need right now. I don't want my presence here to be discouraging or aggravating to anyone. All I want is support and advice. And like I said I would welcome future advice from you as long as it can be supportive and encouraging."
posted at 14:40:59 on March 27, 2013 by SeekingHelp
hey really hope you try to do anything to hit a meeting. That LDS women group on wed nights in orem!    
"Seeking help, it really helps!!!!!!! So cool at a young age your reaching out for help. You will be suprised how many women your age, my age, older than me, and younger than you are in those meetings. It very typical to get trap and addicted. Especially online cuz we live in a fantasy world......It feels great to have power and feel lusted after. I did exactly what you did. Yes, it led me into guys paying for me to have sex with me. It such a dangerous DANGEROUS road! But ya, it def webcam exactly like porn. Just free porn for guys:/on the other end....I did a million sexting, share pics. Gratefully my sucky computer does not have a webcam so I didn't do that-thank heavens-just cuz I don't have it BUT sharing pics, etc is the same thing...but worst is actually meeting up with strange men in public...So glad I found SA program and LDS 12 step!"
posted at 19:29:06 on March 27, 2013 by marie sober
I came to this post from something you said to another sister    
"Please see Churchgirl's latest post and contact her. She's been through the same thing you have and she has now been clean for just two weeks short of a year. She invites anyone who needs help to contact her, and I think she would be ideal for you. It's great when sisters help each other with these problems (I'm an old guy) because they seem to understand each other better than a guy might.

You sincerity has given me inspiration and strength.

Regardless of what some unkind individual might say, THIS WEBSITE IS YOUR CHEERING SECTION! We will do everything we can to help you and make you strong, but whatever you do, we'll always support you in your journey to get better.

God bless you, and my prayers will go out for you."
posted at 21:00:07 on April 4, 2013 by dog


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"Man has a dual nature; one, related to the earthly or animal life; the other, akin to the divine. Whether a man remains satisfied within what we designate the animal world, satisfied with what the animal world will give him, yielding without effort to the whim of his appetites and passions and slipping farther and farther into the realm of indulgence, or whether, through self-mastery, he rises toward intellectual, moral, and spiritual enjoyments depends upon the kind of choice he makes every day, nay, every hour of his life"

— David O. McKay