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Where do I begin?
By Reachingout
4/1/2013 3:16:34 AM
All my life I never thought that I would be in this sort of situation. For most of my teen years I had a fascination with sex and found myself drawn to movies, shows, or even music that that showed or described sex. Although I never seemed to cross that line until this past summer. I had found out that my father had a sex addiction and had been cheating on my mother for the past 6 years with multiple women. I guess it started out with him getting sexual massages. The news of my fathers infidelity broke my heart. I kept asking myself "why did he do it?". One day as I was on my computer, an add for a sexual massage popped up on the screen and my curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on the add. I kept trying to see what was so tempting about this sort of thing that it would cause my father to commit such a terrible sin. Soon I found myself looking up these websites because it excited me, although I would never admit that. I would tell myself that I was disgusted with it, when in reality I kept watching and kept watching. I remember watching some doctor show on masturbation for girls and how it is supposed to be good for you and they recommended that girls masturbate regularly. This gave me the small push I wanted to begin masturbating. It was something I had never experienced, and I was completely hooked. I started with just once a week, but it quickly became once a day. I knew this wasn't normal, but no one suspected a thing and I could go on pretending nothing was happening. I stopped reading my scriptures, and I never felt worthy to pray so that quickly faded also. After 2 months of this I began to feel depressed. I kept trying to find happiness in what I was doing but all I felt was self loathing. It wasn't making me happy and yet I couldn't stop. I tried to stop on my own but I would only be able to go a couple days. I knew I needed help. But how? I would never be able to tell my parents or family and all of my friends would never understand. Finally we received a new bishop in my ward and he asked to see me. Talking to the bishop I felt all the shame and guilt I had been trying to ignore for months all at once. I was at my lowest. Luckily my bishop was very understanding and loving and gave me hope that I could beat this. And I did really well for a couple weeks, until one night I just couldn't take it and relapsed again. and again. And again. I saw my bishop a few weeks later and he gave me some stuff to read, but it was all addressed to men and it was hard for me to apply it to me. I began hating myself. Why am I different? Why do I have to struggle with this? I started seeing a guy who was open abut some of his past mistakes he made, and I just sat there and wished I had a a problem with alcohol or drugs because I was so embarrassed I was a girl and had this problem. Will I ever be able to tell my friends or family?? Do I
have to? Can I just repent and never speak of it again and pretend like it never happened?? I want to be done with this part of my life for good but it's so much harder than I ever thought. I just relapsed again tonight and I'm feeling very unmotivated. How do you get back after you keep falling??

Comments:

Juat to clear things up    
"Right now or recently, are you struggling with masturbation or porn?

You're young so you have the opportunity to actually stop yourself before you become a true addict. A lot of people here have been addicts for 40 years and although they have good experience, be wary that they have been addicts for 40 years lol. What I mena by that is there advice might be good, but maybe not for you and your situation, still being young.

Anyway, these are awesome thoughts because that means you still feel guilty about what your doing. That means you're not numb to the sin you are doing. I'm numb to my porn addiction and I hate it!! It makes it harder to repent when you dont feel bad.

But explain what your situatation is right now more."
posted at 14:07:54 on April 1, 2013 by mint
what up...    
"@mint, I'm just curious... how come every time a new person presents their story of what they are addicted to, you "warn them" about the ones on this site that have struggled with their addictions for "40" years or however long? Everybody can have something positive to contribute, no matter whether you have struggled for 40 years or 6 months. I believe people who have been sober for a substantial amount of time ( can't quantify the time, sorry) can help people like me and recommend things to help me out a lot more than people who have been sober 1 month and say they're healed. Don't be so negative and attacking! Add your 2 cents and move on. Learn from others.

@reachingout... I'm not in a healthy enough position to give advice, but I feel your pain and can totally relate to what you are going through. Although I'm no female, I can relate. Good luck and keep fighting. You can do it!"
posted at 14:34:54 on April 1, 2013 by asdfjkl1234
How's your own advice working for you Mint?    
"I take and consider advice from people who have success with the advice they give. Stick with that Reachingout. Welcome :)

p.s. have you looked into 12 meetings? I can't tell you may be a little young."
posted at 14:40:06 on April 1, 2013 by Anonymous
How I get back up after falling again    
"First off I want to say although I am not female I know that many women just like you are fighting addiction just like you. It is just not us males.

I remember my commitment to god. I made a commitment to god that I will fight this problem till the day I die. When I fall I get back up as fast as I can. I know that indulging myself can never help me and in the long run it makes it worst. I get back up and I just keep on moving knowing I will eventually will win. As long as I learn from my mistakes and keep on moving.

The addiction recovery program is not just for men I will say this. It does wonders for women to. Try to at least get the the booklets. If he gives you pamphlets for men well that does not matter. Liken it unto yourself. Female addiction and male addiction are very similar. They have a trigger, they have a substance, and they ruin the life of their host.

Keep trucking rejoice in small victories then soon you will see those small victories turn into big ones."
posted at 16:43:57 on April 1, 2013 by Liberation
I'm a female who struggles also....    
"Lots of us do. You are not alone. There is a better, happier, more peaceful way of life waiting for you. Work the steps. Attend meetings. Get a sponsor. You may not be able to see the way ahead of you, but just take the first step. I'm not totally recovered. I still struggle. But I'm happier and am learning skills to help me overcome this.

Yeah, you've made mistakes. We all do. As I read in The Continuous Atonement, when learning to play the piano, you hit a lot of wrong notes. But, with practice, you can make it to Carnegie Hall.

I believe in you :)"
posted at 18:14:39 on April 1, 2013 by g1rlie
Great advice!    
"Thank you all for the helpful advice and warnings. I decided to join this site because I currently have not confided in anyone except my bishop. This seemed like a good place to share some of my feelings that only you all could possibly understand. I'm in my 20's, so yes I am still very young and this problem does seen very new, but the struggle is real and strong. I have realized that this is something that I was not able to quit on my own after useless errors. But I am still trying and hoping for a bright new "clean" future! I am still currently struggling with both porn and masturbation. Unfortunately I masturbated last night after a short few days of being clean (which is why I chose to start blogging my struggles)"
posted at 22:22:09 on April 1, 2013 by Reachingout
I am in my 20's as well..    
"...and although my situation is a little different then yours, I know your pain. I know how it feels to struggle with not being able to confide in anyone. I recently joined here as well. My first blog is called "Finally seeking help and support" its not to far down the list if you want to read it. This is a hard journey but it is together with others that you and I can beat this.

I TOTALLY disagree with Mint. If you have been struggling with this addiction for 40 years of 2 weeks it makes NO difference. Heck, I've been in denial about having an addiction to porn and masturbation since I was like 15. I held on to that denial until recently when I realized I had hit my rock bottom. Eventually everyone here wanted help and that is in essence why we are all here. If we are not here to be helped we are here to help. In the little while I've been here I've filled both roles. This is a WONDERFUL place to start. Keep coming back and take the advice given of seeking out the LDS 12 step meetings. You can find locations online or your bishop should know where a meeting is held. Keep coming back!"
posted at 23:49:42 on April 1, 2013 by SeekingHelp
This site is your cheering section    
"and it doesn't matter if you're young or old, male or female, or addicted for 1 month or for 50 years. An LDS social worker on KBYU said last year that a recent study showed that 40% of the young consumers of pornography were girls and young women. So stop bashing yourself, you're one of those who has admitted she has a problem and who is beginning her recovery. Addictions thrive in secrecy, and you've left the shadows of secrecy. That's a great first step.

You might try attending addiction recovery meetings if you have them in your area. The Church has particularly good meetings, and we have our own 12 step manuals. By all means, get the LDS Addiction Recovery 12 Step Manual and work the steps, and they'll work for you.

Pray and read your scriptures daily in spite of your sins. God is not condemning you, he is calling you. And your recovery will likely take some time. So don't get into toxic shame, you are a good person. Please don't forget that.

I have to go now, but I will have more to say later.

For now, good luck, and love yourself. And you are not the only girl with this problem.

Please say your prayers. I'll be praying for you. God bless you."
posted at 20:47:38 on April 2, 2013 by dog
This is a good place to chat    
"Hi REACHINGOUT,

Welcome to the community. I'm also in my 20s, and I wish I'd found resources like this a few years ago. Just jumping on here when I'm tempted - even if I'm not posting - has been a huge source of strength for me.

I was struck by something you wrote:

"I knew this [masturbation] wasn't normal, but no one suspected a thing and I could go on pretending nothing was happening."

Actually, what you're experiencing IS "normal", sadly. I think one of the problems of dealing with SA in the Church is the way it's treated as if no one except the rare perve has dealt with these things. The statistics tell a different story.

Based on the numbers I've seen tossed around (including anonymous survey info from when I was at BYU-I a few years ago), 70% of the members of the church have or had dealt with masturbation and/or porn. Don't see yourself as this ruined, spoiled outlier - God still highly values you and loves you. He doesn't identify you by your sin, and you shouldn't self-identify as a broken person (unless it's in the way that leads to humility and greater love for God as opposed to the way that just makes you hate yourself)."
posted at 22:18:16 on April 3, 2013 by Johnroberts
Ya I'm a female with the same problem with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    
"Their is a whole bunch of females with the same problem. I seriously felt like I was reading a past diary of mine when I read your story.....wow!!!! My dad had major sexual addiction also. It has torn myself and my whole family and my mom. I had very ill feelings towards him and hurt. I couldn't believe I'm actually repeating his ways.............it's odd. I'm older than you and I wish I got the help when I was young. Now my ways I'm hurting my own family.:(
Have you ever attended a support group for women with these problems? The church sponsors them. They are amazing. Plenty of women like this. I would highly suggest you going to them and you will know your not the only one. It's 12 step meetings for sex addict women/porn masterbation etc....sexual problems. It very safe and again nice to relate with other girls. Lot girls your age in there plus older ladies and even younger than you."
posted at 10:10:32 on April 5, 2013 by marie sober


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