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*sigh*
By whitney h
6/9/2007 9:13:47 PM
I'm just typing whatever. I just have too. So here goes:

I'm tired. Just tired and sick and worn out. Good day. Bad Day. Good day. Bad day. When am I just going to have a regular week or month? It's like I can feel myself slipping, and I pull up, and it just pulls at me, drags me under, but I fight it - until I give in. It might take an hour for me to give in. It might take day. It might take an entire week, but within that week everyday gets harder to try and shake whatever is tugging at me. I guess that whatever is letting go of reality in whatever form that is: Depression: T.V., food, staying in bed most of the day, procrastinating real life, loosing myself in memories and vague thoughts.

I don't want to give in. I don't. The funny thing is, though, is just when I think I got it beat, just when I'm feeling like I'm "better", that I've finally got it under control - that's when it seems to hit the hardest. And everything spins out of control, and I loose myself for a while. Sometimes, when i feel it coming on, I just give in right away because I think that,logically, if I let go right now, then the relapse shouldn't last long and I can get back to normal life more quickly rather than struggling over a longer period of time just to give in in the end. Also, when I'm finally feeling better - I'm also scared to feel better, to feel like I've got some kind of handle on something, to feel happy and productive - because that's when I know I'll fall again, and I DONT WANT TO. Would it be better than to be always somewhat melancholy, so that I never really hit a high point, so then I won't hit a low one too?

I don't know if this, any of this, really makes sense to anyone. I'm not even sure if it makes complete sense to myself. I'm just writing how I feel, without any real thought of reasoning.

Suffice it to say, I had a bad day today. In fact, I've had a bad day every every-other day this week. I don't know why, but today was the worst. Though, I have to say, it's not as bad as it was a few years ago. I guess there's hope in that.

You know what though? I don't even know where this pain comes from. I was thinking about that - why do I suffer so much? I was told once, from someone somewhere, that suffering is a choice. Pain is not a choice, but suffering is. Interesting concept. I don't know if I believe it - I want to - but still, interesting concept. Yet still, I don't know where the pain comes from. What is the pain, and where is it from, why to I feel it, the pain that drives me to my addictions? I was told that all addicts have a hole to fill, and we each fill it with different things (that which we are addcted to). But what of this pain? This empty sucktion of the soul. Not the drugs, the porn, the food, the alchohol. That's what we fill the hole with, not the hole. The hole is something else - but what is it?! Why do I feel like I'm starving? Starving for what? Something. That's all I know. Something that I cannot name. So I search, and I fill my hole with whatever - but it never suffices. In fact, the hole only seems to grow and get stronger! And I just hurt. I hurt inside. But I don't know why?!! Why do I hurt? Why? I'm not even sure what hurts; is it my soul? I don't know. But if it is, what reason is there to?

...I wish I could understand. I wish I could overcome. I wish... What does it really matter what I wish? It doesn't. I wrote a song (I write songs with my guitar) and it's called Shadows Fall. Here are the lyrics:

Shadows fall and I'm awake
Listening to my heart ache
I find I cannot sleep
As a tear slips down my cheek

You are gone; I am here
It feels wrong that I feel
So sad, quite a lot
You are gone and I am

Rotting in my own tears tonight
Loosing memory of the light
Calling on my faith to give me sight
Rotting in my own tears tonight

Wishing is vain, or so I've learned
Not my brain, my soul yearns
Can't turn back - though I've tried
You are gone and I am

Rotting in my own tears tonight
Loosing memory of the light
Calling on my faith to give me sight
Rotting in my own tears tonight

*sigh* i'm sorry. This isn't a very happy piece of writing - though I don't know if it was supposed to be. This is the Bad Days/Venting Category - so I chose to take advantage of it. It felt kinda nice though.

For those who might read it - please don't worry too much about me, if you are prone to that. Like I said, I'm just having a bad day (obviously). But I have good days too.

Besides, I know my Father in Heaven loves me - and I know I have a Savior. He wouldn't let me fall alone. He'll never forsake me. And there is always hope in the Atonement. I'm so grateful for the Atonement.

Comments:

I get it    
"Whitney, I SO understand what you are feeling. I have good days and bad days too. And I thank the Lord that the bad days are very few now. Your blog brought up so many thoughts for me. Everything I say is simply my opinion, and I'm no authority on anything, but here goes.

I have often said that I would willingly give up any high points life has in store, if that would mean I could escape the low points too. I would love life to be peaceful and boring and placid. No ups and downs--just smooth sailing. But that is called flatlining and it means YOU"RE DEAD!! And that's not what Heavenly Father planned for us. He wants us to live life to the fullest and experience all of the good and bad. It is the pain that teaches us lessons and helps us grow. It's the pitts, isn't it? Someone once told me that my purpose in life was to make others thankful that their lives weren't as crummy as mine! Such a vote of confidence!

I have a lot of ideas about where the pain comes from. Part of it is just life. The plan is for us to know opposition, to know the bad in order to appreciate the good. Part of it is from Satan's hard work in making us miserable. That's what he wants. And if we give in and are miserable, then he wins.
A lot of our pain comes from childhood. Our beliefs, attitudes, and character are formed by the time we are five years old. Most of us grew up believing all kinds of lies about ourselves. The source of those lies can be anything we encountered--TV programs, music, chance remarks by relatives or friends, abuse, neglect, illness (our's or someone else's), death of loved ones, bad experiences of all kinds, at school or elsewhere, or good experiences in church or school, or with family or friends. Literally every experience we have leaves an imprint in our minds and hearts. We have always been affected by what goes on around us, even before we were born.
I also think that, though we are not aware of it on a concious level, we are homesick. I believe that our spirits miss our heavenly home and our loving mother and father, as well as many loved ones we don't remember now. Maybe that is why reading the scriptures is such a comfort, because it is familiar to our spirits. I know that is why going to the temple is so good for us. That is the closest to home we can ever get while we are on earth.

Please don't despair. You are not alone. While nothing we find can fill up the gaping hole inside of us, the Atonement can literally heal the hole. Christ can actually make us whole. He does it for me again and again."
posted at 12:05:11 on June 21, 2007 by Kris
Hi Whitney...    
"I hope I'm catching you on a good day... I just can't tell you how much you sound like I used to sound way back when. I have a few questions for you... and if you think it's too personal, no big deal, don't answer them, or give general answers, ranges, whatever... cause you seem young, single, and without a whole lot of good friends. Actually, that would pretty much be the questions I want to know. How old are you? Are you married, or dating someone? And do you have many close good friends?

I ask, because back in the day, when I was younger, I didn't date, and I didn't have a lot of friends. I was quite lonely, and didn't have much to do to fill my free time. I babysat a lot back then. It was a sad, lonely, very boring life. At least, that's how I looked at it then. What put me on the path to changing my life, was serving a mission. I wasn't the greatest ever missionary, but I sure did learn a lot about myself and where my life was going. It was a great experience, and it was exactly what I needed to start changing my life for better.

Okay, sorry. I hadn't planned this to be a "go serve a mission" lecture. I'm very tired right now. Not that it isn't sound advice. Missions are great life-changing experiences.... anyway, that wasn't my intent. I just wanted to say hi, and see how you are doing. I just relate so much to where you are right now, you know? I have a TON of depressing songs/poems from back in the day. Mine kind of bordered on obsessive and psychotic, more than depressing and sad... go figure...

ANYWAY..... hope today has been a better day. :)"
posted at 22:22:35 on June 25, 2007 by mcr285
Mission = Service    
"I think the active principal in what MCR was talking about is simply SERVICE. President Hinckley often quotes his father's instruction to him to "Forget yourself and go to work". I have noticed when I am actively involved serving others I do forget my own problems, weaknesses, and trials. When you're focused on others and what you can do to help them, your problems are minimized and additionally, it helps provide purpose to your life when before, maybe it was hard to see any. You don't have to serve a mission, although that would be great! Just find someone to serve. It doesn't have to be anything great or amazing. Little acts of service can work wonders for others and for you."
posted at 07:04:37 on June 26, 2007 by derek
Thanks Derek,    
"you are always so good at translating my late night ramblings into plain understandable english, and filling in the parts I leave out! I usually have about a gazillion thoughts racing through my head, and I just don't type fast enough to keep up with them all! :)"
posted at 12:56:11 on June 26, 2007 by mcr285
Answers to MCR's Questions    
"Well, to get to the point:

I'm nineteen years old. Single. No boyfriend. And good friends? I think I want to say I don't, but I do. I have, actually, a great support group of friends and family - but I'm at college, and the most contact I get with them are phone calls: monthly, weekly or sometimes daily contact. (Daily, when I need it the most.) I have to say though, some friends I do maintain around me are completely the opposite of what I need. One friendship, in particular, I'm in the difficult process of breaking off. He's a guy friend who has been in and out of a relationship of his own while we have been friends, and for the most part treats me like... well, garbage. I've actually already, a few months ago, tried to get out of this friendship by even declaring to him that I didn't want to be friends with him anymore more for "such and such" reasoning - and somehow he reeled me back in. It is only now that I've been finding enough strength to stop this crazy friendship. I don't know how much detail you want me to go into, but according to my uncle (who is got a degree in psychology) my guyfriend - who I guess I could call Joe - is an extreme narcissist: someone who is basically obsessed with himself and can't feel a whole lot of empathy. This is bad, because I tend to feel a little more empathy than the average person. So, Joe talks trash to me, I take it. Joe talks more trash (insulting, biting remarks, insensitive joking), and I take it. And I take it. And I take it. Until, finally, I can't take it any more. So I say one not-so-nice thing to him - and I feel like the biggest jerk ever born. So I apologize, and the cycle begins anew. Of course Joe, over the past few months, has made some changes in his behavior towards me - all as a result of me attempting to break off our friendship. He listens to me. Before, I doubt he even heard a bare minimum of my words - but now he will not even speak, will sit there and force me to talk all so that he can "listen". This has happened a few times - and it's not a pleasant experience. I didn't know before why I felt so uncomfortable and awkward when this happened, but now that I'm realizing that it felt so awkward because he was doing the show of listening, but it was not genuine. He wasn't doing it because he cared, but because it seemed a requirement to keep me in our "friendship".

Now, this might or might not make sense, or relate to you: I guess I kind of got carried away when I started trying to explain me and my friendship situation.

You said you were often lonely. Growing up, I was a loner. I spent most of my time in nature, in books, or in my dreams. I felt disconnected and rather uncomfortable in people's presence. I pratically felt almost like a different creature. And yet, somehow, I still had that human longing to be apart of something, to belong, to have a friend. I've always wanted that one good friend. The one you talk with about everything, and you trust with everything, and you care about them and vise versa and all that wonderful stuff. I always looked forward to that, as though I just had to wait and it would someday come to me... Life has a way of playing games on us...

I'm not going to get into the meaning of the last sentence. Just: Stuff happened. I fell into a big mess of disillusionment, heart ache and just... stuff.

I'm a loner again - but mainly from choice this time. I'm busy with college and work. I have plenty of acquaintances. And as you suggest, I try to keep myself busy with service. When life is hardest, it does always seem as though service, thinking about and loving and helping another person, is the only way to feel even a little bit better. As for a mission - I desperately want to go on one, but I still have a while before that's possible. I can wait. And if it's what the Lord wants me to do, than I will definitely answer the call.

At times, solitude brings a certain measure of peace in my life. During those times, I want to be alone because I know no one can truly understand me completely as much as my Father in Heaven, or my Savior can. So I pray.

I'm healing. Slowly, yes, very slowly. But I'm healing.
There is a picture I know of. It's of a New Testament scene, of the woman who was diseased for some twelve years. She heard that Jesus was coming by, so she went out and tried to reach Him. He was surrounded by crowds of people, and she struggled to reach Him. In the picture, the woman is reaching out and touching just barely the ends of His robe. In the story, the Savior turns around and asks "Who touched me?" Paraphrashing, His disciples answer "What do you mean who touched you? You're surrounded by a ton of people?" But the Savior ignores this, "No, who touched me? I felt virtue leave me." Or, He says something like that. That's when He notices the diseased woman, who is now healed. She confesses that she is the one who touched his robes. If I remember correctly, He tells her that her faith has made her whole. In seeing this picture, I always felt like I was something like that woman, and yet not. I was always reaching, straining, struggling to reach the Savior - but couldn't. I felt as though I was always being pushed aside, kicked, beaten back, unable to touch simply the ends of his robe. I felt as though, even at times, my fingertips were only a few inches from touching Him, but just those few inches were not enough, because I was never enough. Just a few days ago, I saw that picture again, and I no longer felt as though I had not reached Him, but that I had finally touched the Savior's robes.

I've learned a lot over the past few years. I've learned a lot over the past few months. But what that picture taught me a few days ago, is that it is not about "being enough". For I had not finally got enough strength mustered up inside of me to break through life's obstacles and challenges, but I had finally admitted to not being able to do it by myself - alone. The Savior told the woman when she was healed, "Thy faith has made thee whole." He did not say her own human strength or determination or stubbornness, but her faith in Jesus Christ. When I looked at that picture a few days ago, I knew I was finally touching His robe.

I'm healing. And though I'm not completely whole now, I know I can be. Right now, I'm focusing on right now. The past and the future are out of my hands. I just need to focus on this week, or this day, or this hour, or even moment if needs be. It's when I loose focus on just doing what right things I can right now that I loose control. I'm healing and I'm learning: how to forgive, myself and others. How to be honest, with myself and others. How to love, myself and others. One moment at a time.

I think I can do that: live my life in moments. At least, for right now.

Sorry - I started rambling a bit. Writing my thoughts kind of does that to me."
posted at 20:53:48 on June 27, 2007 by whitney h
Growing Pains?    
"I think you're going to be just fine, Whitney. You'd make a great missionary."
posted at 10:49:35 on June 28, 2007 by Anonymous
Run away Whitney, be free!    
"OK, that was a misquote from "Cars". Fillmore says, "Fly away Stanley, be free." I just had to put it in. It seemed to fit.

I'm glad you’re healing. I just want to encourage you in your decision to cut things off with what's-his-head a.k.a. Joe. Don't look back, just run! I've seen his type in action before. I knew a guy in high school we'll just refer to as "the jerk". He had a girlfriend that he used to treat so poorly that I used to think about taking her out just to treat her nice, even though I had no interest in her otherwise, and didn't even know her very well. I was dating a girl fairly steadily at the time that told me he got a girl from another school pregnant and then never would see her again.

When the same girl broke things off with me and started hanging around with him more, I was very worried for her because of how I had seen him treat others. I was also surprised considering all she knew about him. I found out later that she was hoping to help him, but he ended up just pulling her down. She came to my mission farewell and when I asked her about her old boyfriend who had been on a mission while she was dating the two of us. She said she had written to him and told him she wouldn't be meeting him at the airport when he got back. Unfortunately the relationship with the jerk made her feel unworthy of any kind of relationship with the return missionary. I tried to convince her to give it a try at least. Fortunately her R.M. was persistent and she eventually sent me a wedding announcement. Even though I had never met him I was very excited for her because he had to be better than the jerk. Actually He is a great guy. One I wish I was more like. I'm just glad he didn't give up and was able to pull her back out of the emotional hole she was in.

My niece has had a similar experience with a guy who struggles with addiction and depression. Like my old girlfriend, she wanted to help this guy and that is probably the biggest thing that makes his tactics work when he is trying to pull her back into his life. She even went on a mission despite the fact that he wanted her to stay home and possibly marry him. During her mission he slipped into inactivity, got married, and is now trying to get divorced. His addictions got worse. Since her mission he has tried to get back with her, and for a while it seemed to be working. He has told her he is divorced, says he wants to change, and tries to make her feel responsible for the way his life has gone. She and I have talked about it a fair amount and I've offered to help him in any way I can, but it has become apparent that he doesn't really want to change; he is just doing everything he can think of to get her back.

I'm glad you are seeing through Joe's tactics and realizing there isn't any sincerity behind it. It is just a game he is playing to keep you around. Don’t believe what he is telling you. You are a Daughter of a Heavenly King. You are of infinite worth. You’re a wonderful person. Joe may be the biggest reason why you keep getting sucked back into the vortex. A person like that can suck out your self worth like a vacuum. Run away Whitney, BE FREE!

Someday the right guy will come into your life. No knight in shining armor. Probably a guy who has bad hair days and some annoying habits, but someone who appreciates you for who you are."
posted at 14:55:33 on June 28, 2007 by justjohn
Hi Again!    
"Whitney, I feel like I've just stepped back in time and have met a past version of myself! It's so WEIRD! Everything you say, I bet I could find written in my own journals! And honey, you're already miles away from where I was at 19!

LOVED the comments from JustJohn... especially the quote from "Cars" and WHY he quoted it! You really do need to free yourself from Joe. I had several guy "friends" like that, and you know what? I was happier alone then I was when I was with those guys! If I had to guess, I'd say he has softened it up a bit, because he doesn't want to lose the attention he gets from you. Narcissistic people are like that. Doesn't matter if they like you or not, they just want the constant attention. You don't need that, especially not now! I actually developed a "friendship" with a guy like that, and he actually asked me out a few times, and even then, I just KNEW he didn't really care for me. Turned out I was right and he only asked me out because he figured that I was lonely enough that I would be easy. Yeah, that didn't happen! Idiot...

ANYWAY, get away from that guy!

As far as finding that one best giggling girl friend to hang out with and share secrets with.... what I wouldn't give for a friend like that now! I've moved several times in the past few years (military husband) and it's hard making new friends - at least for me it is because I'm so stupid shy! BUT, the one thing I have learned is that you have to love yourself and be yourself. People are amazingly blind to 99% of the flaws that to us are just so blazingly obvious! I even had a girl a few weeks ago tell me she thought I was so fashionable and always looked so organized and she just wished she had it all together like I did! I just about fell over because I have never felt so completely disorganized and falling apart as I have been over the past several months!!! And I told her as much and we swapped stories about our most recent disorganization disasters and it formed this kind of bond, and now I can call her a friend... not a giggly girl friend, but a friend, and that's a start. Point is, I wasn't trying to be someone I wasn't. I was honest about who I am, and she thought it was great! Be honest with others, and be honest with yourself. People will surprise you!

Anyway, last thing... I LOVED your last post. I could feel the spirit through your words and I was very impressed with the things you shared. You don't have anything to worry about, Whitney. If you grew up in a mormon filled community, then you might have the, "there must be something wrong with me because I graduated highschool and I'm not married yet!" mentality. These days, that mentality is being slowly phased out. Young mormon women are being encouraged more and more to go to college and serve missions. Of course a temple marriage is still a goal, but the fact that you aren't there yet shouldn't define who you are! I had that stupid gotta get married at 18 mentality! I wasted YEARS of my life ignoring college while waiting for my perfect husband to come sweeping me off my feet! Being married or single does not define who we are! What we do with our current life situations is what defines us! I was 28 when I got married! You're young, you have a beautiful spirit and a desire to serve the Lord. Stick with what you are doing, and you will be just fine! :)

ps - to anyone who got married at 18, please don't be offended by my jaded opinions! I know several girls who married at 18 and have had perfectly beautiful marriages. But I know a lot more girls who got married at 18 and divorced in their early 20's because it wasn't all sunshine and roses like they expected! It's right for some, but it shouldn't be the expected norm, you know? It's that whole "there must be something wrong with you" mentality that irks me! Anyway, sorry..."
posted at 23:10:10 on July 1, 2007 by mcr285


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"Strength comes from uplifting music, good books, and feasting from the scriptures. Since the Book of Mormon was to come forth “when there shall be great pollutions upon the face of the earth” (Morm. 8:31), study of that book in particular will fortify us."

— Russell M. Nelson

General Conference, October 1988