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Late night thoughts after a fall...
By SeekingHelp
10/10/2013 3:03:06 AM
Sorry if this has spelling errors...I am blogging from my phone because I finally got ahold of myelf long enough tonight to shut down my computer....then I knew I needed support and could find it here, but wouldn't you know it my computer had 38 updates....anywho...

I should have learned months ago that I can't do this on my own, no matter how strong I think I am. I recently graduated from college and since that time the temptations have gotten stronger. I hate to admit this but I gave in again. I've been giving in for the last month and I've noticed a BIG difference in my life. I know I can't do this on my own anymore, but once again I am scared. I pray nightly, and I know I am being blessed, but I can't help but feel unworthy......

I know I need the support of others and I even looked up meetings in my area, but I know myself well enough to know that even if I drive to one of those meetings my fears will not allow me to go inside and I will sit in my car feeling like an idiot until I beat myself up as I drive off. I know the meetings are a good thing, but they scare me.....I know I need to talk to my bishop and that will come with time. I don't know that I am trying to explain....guess this is just a rant....

I got to thinking tonight that the next step for me gospel wise is to receive my temple covenants, but I know that can't happens as long as I keep giving in to this temptation. I have to take hold of my own life, but I am not sure I know how to do that.

Question: If something is a temptation, but you constantly give in to it does that make it an addiction? I dunno if that made sense...I'm just gonna go to bbed now. .....

Comments:

Answer    
"Yep"
posted at 09:13:34 on October 10, 2013 by Anonymous
Dear Sister Seekinghelp    
"Thank you for coming back and opening up when you slipped again. Pride and Ego often tempt us to keep it hidden if we mess up after we've already confessed to the bishop and tried to put it behind us.

Personally, I don't believe you are "unworthy" or any less now than you were a couple months ago, after you confessed to your bishop. You are still a daughter of God with infinite worth. He is still taking care of you and guiding you. He still loves and accepts you. He is still willing to sacrifice his only beloved son for you. You mean so much to him, regardless of what you have done.

This does not mean you are bad or unworthy. It simply means you have a habit of bad choices that don't serve you. These choices are causing you to feel ashamed and dirty. These choices are destructive to your happiness. But you are not your choices.

You ARE addicted, and you should do everything you have said to get help. But you are not your addiction. You are a wonderful person who has, over the past few years, trained your body and mind to use your addiction as an escape and relief from the stresses of life.

You need to learn new ways to cope with the challenges of life. You need new habits to keep your life in balance. You need to see yourself as the child of God that you are, with the ability to change, because of the atonement. You need the 12 steps and the support of a close friend or family member.

But take it all one step at a time. Your life doesn't have to be perfect right now, today. Don't resolve today to be perfect and never make this mistake again. Resolve today to keep working at it, no matter what happens.

Go to your 12-step meetings. Go meet with your bishop again. Keep coming back here. And check out http://www.abettermormon.com .

May God be with you."
posted at 13:16:00 on October 10, 2013 by beclean
Meetings...what to expect    
"Yes, these can be intimidating. But they are good. They are very helpful and helped me see that I am not alone.

SA meetings...mostly men. When I first went to a meeting, I got some funny looks. Uncomfortable looks. Some even told me things like, "Um, maybe you should try AA if you need a meeting." But I kept going back. And if anyone at the meeting has a problem with me being there, tough noogies because I am there for myself, not for their benefit. These have been the most helpful of all meetings for me because of the skills I have learned. Plus, here I was able to get a sponsor who helps me work the steps. And I got a support system to help me in the journey. And I am able to help others in the group, also.

SLAA--Men and women. A pretty even mix. Had a bad experience here, and haven't been back. If you're interested in going, maybe you would have a good experience here. A lot of people like these meetings.

LDS ARP--All sorts of people go there. I usually feel okay at these meetings, but the first time I went was so terrifying. I thought for sure I'd be judged. But I wasn't the only sex addict at the meetings. And not even the only female sex addict.

Seriously....It will help you learn some skills to overcome, and to learn how to even enjoy the journey as you walk out of the wilderness of addiction.

You can do it!

--Girlie"
posted at 13:57:30 on October 10, 2013 by g1rlie
....The benefits outweigh the challenges, Sister    
"...benefits of the meetings. Because for me, I am learning to deal with sober living. It's a new skill I didn't have before Ever in my life and it is a wonderful thing. :) Life is much better in recovery than in addiction. So come to a meeting :D. You'll be glad you did. And, the people are pretty nice at the meetings....understanding.

Girlie"
posted at 14:04:47 on October 10, 2013 by Anonymous
Meetings Scare me.....    
"....like SUPER bad. I mean what if I run into someone I know? What happens then? What if I don't and people are just judgmental and I can never feel safe?

I know there are meetings in my area heck they are like 5 minutes from my house. Problem is I know I wouldn't go it. I would drive there and turn right back around. This addiction is scary and I don't know I guess I am just starting to admit that I really do have a problem. I don't know if I could go back to my bishop because I am right back in the same boat I was a few months ago and I fear the consequences....I know they come with addictions like this but they still scare me.

I dunno.....I mean what meeting would I even go to?"
posted at 01:40:43 on October 14, 2013 by SeekingHelp
It's okay    
"To run into people you know. They have problems just like you do and are seeking recovery. Plus the programs are anonymous.

For sexual addiction, SA seems to have been the most helpful type of meeting I have attended. Maybe you would want to give it a try.

I was also scared to run into people I might know."
posted at 09:49:32 on October 14, 2013 by g1rlie
You could also go to general addiction meetings    
"like I do. There are brothers and sisters, and there are all sorts of addictions, but usually the facilitator is someone who is recovering from a drug/alcohol addiction. A lot of people there will talk about their drug/alcohol addiction, but you don't have to say what you're addiction is, and in my experience, there are several who never do (like me). But I've heard two brothers and one sister say they had porn addictions. That was their choice.

Also, don't be naive. Virtually every male drug addict is a sex addict, too, and the female drug addicts have often done sexual favors to get their drugs, and some of them are sexually addicted, too. So don't feel like you're unique when you go to a general addiction meeting.

Sounds like you're in the Salt Lake City area if you have multiple meeting places within 5 minutes of your house. There are Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday evening meetings for women only pornography addictions. They are in Murray, West Jordan, and Clearfield, respectively. The one in Clearfield (Sunday nights) is especially for Young Single Adult women sexual addicts.
Here is the link to the lds addiction recovery meeting places and times (note that you can filter for several things, including gender and types of meetings).

http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/find-a-meeting?lang=eng />

I guess the question is, would you rather be with all women where you know the nature of each other's addictions (sexual), or would you rather go where there are both men and women (more of a family atmosphere) and not openly state your addiction? It's really just a testimony meeting during the week. That's what I feel like when I leave, as if I've just been to one of the best testimony meetings I've ever attended.

So there's no reason to be afraid. It's just a lot of (or a few) people just like you who want to get better, plus a facilitator (someone who's been in recovery for a few years), and a missionary couple. They open with prayer, read the 12 Steps out loud, then open with a few comments from the missionaries, then turn it over to the Facilitator for "sharing" time. The Facilitator will then speak for way too long : ), then turn the time over to fellow addicts to talk about their recovery efforts for a few minutes each. You can pass if you wish, and some choose to do that, and that's o.k.

When sharing time is through, the missionaries add their testimonies and some comments and then close with prayer. Lasts 60-90 minutes (usually 90 in my experience). Afterwards, you can stay and talk with others, or you can just zip out the door and head home.

That's it. And do get the 12 Step Manual if you haven't already gotten it. And work the steps. It's an excellent guide to spiritual progress.

Please don't be afraid. You can do this."


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"If, through our unrighteous choices, we have lost our footing on that path, we must remember the agency we were given, agency we may choose to exercise again. I speak especially to those overcome by the thick darkness of addiction. If you have fallen into destructive, addictive behaviors, you may feel that you are spiritually in a black hole. As with the real black holes in space, it may seem all but impossible for light to penetrate to where you are. How do you escape? I testify the only way is through the very agency you exercised so valiantly in your premortal life, the agency that the adversary cannot take away without your yielding it to him. "

— Robert D. Hales

General Conference, April 2006