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The gift that keeps on giving
By g1rlie
12/8/2013 10:38:38 AM
Only it's not a very nice gift.

I read somewhere that this is what happens to those who've been in long-tem affairs, like my situation with Greg (acting out partner). So, earlier this year, he sent me a letter with sine money and asked me to get a secret phone and send him pictures. I have my husband the money and burned the letter.

But I am still not strong. I read in the book, He Restoreth My Soul, that it takes quite awhile to rebuild neural connections in the brain that were damaged by engaging in sexually addictive behavior. I believe the book said it takes a couple of years. My sponsor, however, told me her therapist said it takes 3-5 years. Ugh. I now have a therapist. A CSAT. My first appointment with her is soon. Hopefully, it goes well.

Now for the really dumb part...this week, Greg emailed me and asked for my real phone number. Like a complete idiot, or maybe just an addict, I gave him my number. We talked. He said he wants to buy new a secret phone and that he is coming here soon to go skiing. (He lives far away from me, luckily).

Do, right now, doing everything my sponsor tells me to do so I can become entirely willing to give up any and all contact with Greg. She told me to write a paragraph about how I will feel after seeing Greg and to read that paragraph every hour. So that's what I am doing, in addition to other things. I guess exiting an affair all of the way can take time, and sometimes there are slips with the half measures, acting to my sponsor. She has been where I am.

Really, I just want to be happy and to be a good wife and mother.

Comments:

You can do this    
"Keep your guard up and stop talking with Greg. You can do this Girlie. It won't be easy but it will be worth it to be free of the guilt and disappointment that you will feel if you don't. Praying for you to continue to be strong."
posted at 23:43:04 on December 8, 2013 by Anonymous
-    
"Satan always comes back to try and gain entry back in. This man appears to be Satan's servant and he doesn't even know it. It was a foolish mistake you made talking with him but do not beat yourself up over making the mistake. Repent look to Christ and keep doing what you know you need to do. You can do it."
posted at 00:05:55 on December 9, 2013 by Anonymous
:/    
"I want to shoot Gag in the face.

... You're doing excellent though :)"
posted at 02:30:27 on December 9, 2013 by they_speak
Support    
"Girlie,
I don't have anything brilliant or inspiring to say but I just want to give you my support. I believe in you.
Maddy"
posted at 09:04:04 on December 9, 2013 by Anonymous
hang in there    
"Girlie,
I wish I had something profound to say or do that might make your life easier. My heart goes out to you in your struggles. As I've relapsed in my own struggles i have the desire to just let it go, but it doesn't ever seem to ever go away. I myself am hopeful that Ether 12:27 is true that if we are humble the Lord will show us our weakness and he can make those things strong for us. I just finished watching President Monson's talk titled We never walk alone and that has been encouraging for me. The other thing I try to do when I can to pray for those in my recovery group when I am tempted- I've found that helps my heart turn towards others and get my mind off of my temptations and thinking about other people"
posted at 10:33:30 on December 9, 2013 by Anonymous
Great comments...    
"I am here to support and pray for you still, too, just like all the rest.

And the last anon hit the nail on the head about what I've been pondering this weekend. The culture of this Church barely recognizes the differences between "sins" and "weaknesses." If anyone has a weakness, we tend to judge them as if they had a sin.

First of all, we shouldn't judge other people anyway. We are not the judge of sinners, including ourselves.

Secondly, even if we were the judge, we shouldn't judge weaknesses to be sins. They are not the same, and they are not solved the same way. One clear weakness is mental instability or negative self-speak. Elder Holland devoted his entire amazing conference address to the weakness of depression. Depression is a weakness, not a sin. It is not overcome by repentance.

Explaining the difference between sins and weaknesses is very hard. I can't do it, and I doubt that the Lord really wants us to do it. The Pharisees were never able to pin him down on these kinds of dichotomies. For example, he wouldn't be straight with them about who their neighbor was or about whether it's lawful to pay tribute to Caesar.

Still, if I were try try to explain the difference, I would say that weaknesses are things that come because of the Fall of Adam, and sins are actions that come because of our own deliberate choices and desires to disobey or rebel against God. Article of Faith 2 says that we will not be punished for Adam's transgression. That has a pretty broad effect. Because of Adam's transgression, death, pain, trial, temptation, sorrow, and weakness all entered the world. In addition, the scriptures say that the fall is what caused all of us to become "natural," carnal, sensual, and devilish. In other words, the fall is what tainted our desires and made us WANT to sin. I believe that all of these things are not our fault, and we will not be punished for them. They are simply the result of the telestial world in which we now live.

Another way of explaining weaknesses is to say that they include everything that happens simply because we are human or because we are young. When asked who was the greatest in the kingdom, Jesus set a little child before his disciples. This had to confuse the heck out of them. Kids are messy. They are accident prone. They are dumb. They don't think about the future. They make all kinds of mistakes. But God apparently doesn't judge these mistakes and problems to be sins. Instead, they are weaknesses. Kids are the way they are because they are human and because they are young. That's all. They are not at fault for that. Apparently, God judges our mistakes to be sins only when we truly know better, when we are accountable, and we still deliberately choose to disobey him or to hurt others.

In summary, any time you can look back at your mistakes and say, "I was young and naive...I know better now." I think that you can put that mistake in one of two categories: most likely, it was a simple weakness of the human condition; alternatively, it was a deliberate sin, but you have since repented and moved on.

Furthermore, I think we do not need to be hard on ourselves for our desires. We should definitely attempt to control our desires, appetites, and passions, but we do not need to punish ourselves when an inappropriate desire appears. That is simply a consequence of the fall. It is a thorn in the flesh, a weakness that is not our fault. We can acknowledge the thought or the desire and move on with life. Pull it out of our brain as if it's a weed and hand it to God. Tell him we're sorry for letting the weed grow in our mind, and now we want to give it back to him to destroy it. He understands that weeds grow in our mind-garden because of the fall. He does not judge us for that, unless we allow the weeds (desires/thoughts) to stay and overrun the garden completely.

How do you overcome a weakness? Ether 12:27. With humility. Admit that you made a mistake. Admit that you are powerless to overcome. Admit that you are weak. Ask God to take the mistake, the weed, from you. Just be humble and truthful and know that you need help. Don't be so hard on yourself for being weak. We all are.

How do you overcome a sin (deliberate rebellion)? Repent. Turn to Jesus. Cry out for him to have mercy. Correct your errors. Talk to the bishop. Participate in ordinances. Wash and sanctify yourself.

Thanks for letting me share.

G1rlie, your desire to sin again is a normal weakness, a weed. Don't be ticked off that it grew in your beautiful garden. That's part of life, ever since the fall of Adam. But DO pluck it out and hand it back to God. Even mentally envision yourself getting that done. And put the fence back up around your garden and spray it with weed killer so that the weakness does not grow into a sin."
posted at 12:44:43 on December 9, 2013 by beclean
Thank you    
"Thank you, everyone. I am doing my best. And praying to be humble and for the desire to entirely give up Greg. Hope my best is good enough. Yeah, maybe I need to talk to my bishop about this. Oh, well."
posted at 13:22:05 on December 9, 2013 by g1rlie


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"Nothing is beyond [Christ’s] redeeming reach or His encircling empathy. Therefore, we should not complain about our own life’s not being a rose garden when we remember who wore the crown of thorns! Having bled at every pore, how red His raiment must have been in Gethsemane, how crimson that cloak! No wonder, when Christ comes in power and glory, that He will come in reminding red attire, signifying not only the winepress of wrath, but also to bring to our remembrance how He suffered for each of us in Gethsemane and on Calvary!"

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987