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Venting
By Godis6972002
1/23/2014 1:39:53 PM
I am new to these blogs, but have been looking for a sounding board and a safe outlet for my feelings during recovery from a pornography and masturbation addiction. After almost 20 years of denial and addiction, and 13 years of marriage, I finally came clean to my wife and my bishop, and am celebrating 202 days of complete sobriety! Unfortunately, I am not feeling much happiness in my celebration. I am torn in two and my emotions are all over the place. I have to admit that I had hoped that my marriage would be doing better. My wife started out very forgiving and supporting, but has moved into a grief/anger stage that I am having a hard time processing. She is still forgiving and says things sometimes that make me think she believes there is a future, but there is a lot of hurt and anger for her too. I am trying to listen and give her a chance to express her pain, but I find myself selfishly wishing that she recognized (or at least verbalized more) the progress I was making. I wish she was supportive of me going to my 12 -step group. She is supportive in the sense that she never asks me not to go, but every time I remind her of it, she is upset by the reminder of what we are going through, and what I have done to her. I just don't get any sense of appreciation from her that I am doing my best to get past this. At the same time, I feel like she is entitled to feel all of these things, and I do not want to rush her healing. I am having a hard time reconciling these two emotions -- happiness at being clean, but recognizing that my wife is still hurting and not knowing how to help. She is still so distant from me physically and emotionally, and I get the distinct impression alot of the time that she doesn't want me around. That is understandable, but also hard. I wish I was better at giving her space without feeling hurt myself about it. I wish I could let her feel her pain without feeling so low about having caused it. I never know whether to stay around or to stay away. I must admit that sometimes I enjoy being away from home because at least then I am not face to face with the distance between us, but I don't feel like staying away is the right idea either. I want to stay strong in my recovery, and attend my meetings, but everything about this is a painful reminder to her and I don't know what to do. Does this make any sense? Should I be more compassionate and less worried about me? Is there something wrong with me that I am looking to her for support and a pat on the back? Should I be more concerned with the pain I have caused her and not so worried about feeling supported? Its not like I expect her to be happy that we are dealing with these issues, but at the same time I want us to be glad that we are dealing with it now and not later. Instead, all we seem to talk about is how I let it go this long, and should have done something earlier.....Its been a bad week or so and I am feeling a little hopeless about any of this getting better. Have I damaged things beyond repair?

Comments:

You are normal and loved    
"Your feelings and emotions are exactly where they should be. And so are your wife's. And God loves you both. He is taking care of you, and he always will. Give your will to him. He rules the cosmos--that vast expanse of eternal universe. He surely will take care of you. He desires you. He loves you. Trust him. You (and your wife) are doing great. Keep up the good work.

Is your wife getting counseling or attending a group meeting for spouses? She needs support from someone. Help her find it.

I know I talk about it a lot, but check out the free help for your addiction and your marriage from Tony Litster at http://www.curethecraving.com and http://www.radicalrelationshiprevolution.com/ . Great stuff.

Just be your best self with your wife, and always love, adore, serve, and support her. Let her know that this is the real you now. It's going to take her a long time to get used to the real, new you...because for 13 years she thought she knew you, and she didn't. It could take years before she believes she really knows you now. Dishonesty is a beast. Don't EVER, EVER hide anything from her again.

You are normal. You are loved. Welcome to the site."
posted at 16:49:12 on January 23, 2014 by beclean


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"Brothers and sisters, stay on the straight and narrow path. No, stay in the middle of the straight and narrow path. Don't drift; don't wander; don't dabble; be careful. Remember, do not flirt with evil. Stay out of the devil's territory. Do not give Satan any home-field advantage. Living the commandments will bring you the happiness that too many look for in other places. "

— Larry W. Gibbons

General Conference October 2006