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It's been a while...
By seekinghelp
3/25/2015 3:31:44 AM
I wish I could say that I haven't been around here because I am doing better and I am recovering, but that would be the biggest lie in the world...

I am stuck in the cycle of I do good and then I fall hard...over and over and I don't know how to get out of it. I went to talk with my bishop again because I realized I was at a low spot...I did good for a few weeks and was even able to go do baptisms...after that I feel like I have shot past rock bottom and I can't stop.

I couldn't take the sacrament for a few weeks and was even asked not to go on a branch temple trip....it didn't really phase me and quite frankly that scares me. I prayed to feel something, anything but I never did. And I have been existing in a state of sin for a good week and a half straight. Sure I put on a good face when I am around people, but I know as soon as I am alone....heck even when I am not. I'm sorry if what I am about to say sets people off...I have been involving others in this addiction via skype. I've Uninstalled it just to reinstall it a few hours later....

I guess I am just at an all time low and needed to talk it out...I don't know how to get myself out of this cycle...I know my progression is halted because of this addiction, but I can't seem to get over it...am I past feeling? Will I ever get over this? Is there something wrong with my brain? Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken and unfixable? Am I so far under that trying to swim out will just result in my drowning? Do I need to be fixed? Will anyone ever be able to love me? Would I be better not to be here at all?

Comments:

never be discouraged    
"I have endured more sin in my life than I ever thought I'd have to or that I even thought I could. Had you shown me my life through a crystal ball when I was 18 and asked "would you be better not to be here at all?" I would have said most definitely and chosen death. No question. But I've learned through it all that life is still awesome. I'm still so blessed. Even when I don't feel it I know God loves me. Experience good and bad is such an incredible, unlikely, wonderful thing. I promise that if he loves and blesses me he loves and blesses you. Even in our sins we are so blessed. And the best part is I'm never so wretched that I find myself unworthy of gratitude. I can always be grateful. I don't think I've ever upset the Lord by taking a time out to reflect on how cool his whole creation really is."
posted at 22:08:34 on March 25, 2015 by they_speak
Be of good cheer    
"When we make mistakes satan would love us to feel unworthy of gods love. He also wants us to think we are too broken or made too many mistakes that we are unfixable or in to deep to make it out. Some times these feelings can make us have no ambition to overcome our problems and mistakes. This is what satan thrives on. He wants us to feel low and like there is no reason for hope or even to change things around. But I'm here to testify of the truth... God loves you, he will help you, and he wants to hear from you. These deep feelings you shared on you post.... He wants to hear them. A mighty creator of the heavens and earth and all things within, anything and everything is possible. Miracles happen and even waters have been parted for a good. If you want to change God will help you because he wants you to return to him. He is personally cheering you on. Pour your heart to him when things get hard. He is always listening and loving you. This hard experience may strengthen you and your trust in him. Don't give up and when you feel down pray and pray with all your heart. I read something recently that a man stands the tallest when he is on his knees. Pray and I will pray for you."
posted at 08:59:41 on March 26, 2015 by Humbled32


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