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I feel trapped!
By Humbled32
4/12/2015 3:34:56 PM
So how depressing is this? I'm sitting in a empty parking lot and I've been here for hours. The fact is my husbands abusive ways have flaired up. This went well for about a week... Yeah one week! It's crazy because when I'm sad or upset I see how this gives him wings to fly. When I'm sad he leaves me comfortless. I feel suppressed. I cannot express my feelings or my needs and when I say I need to feel better he pretty much leaves me hurting. How do I break this vicious cycle?

Comments:

my heaert is breaking for you    
"
Humbled32, "i am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I wish i had something of value to say or offer, unfortuately i don't, is there a way you can get out the situation temporarily, can you get some space, stay with a friend or family just for a period of time? I apologize for trying to fix your sitation. I am strugglig with a cyclical struggle with my wife right now as well, it feels like a really bade hamster wheel with no change in sight. For us we were able give each other some space to grow and learn on our own. i am worried that we won;t be getting back together, but at least we are not at each other's throught quite as much. i hope you are feeling some peace now. Prayers go out to you"
posted at 20:06:37 on April 12, 2015 by sjanderson
Thank you...    
"Yeah I don't have family close which is hard. I know I'm just in a abusive marriage. I mean I can't be myself. When I cry I'm "annoying" or a "baby" or "can't keep it together". This is totally crazy but I was sitting in my car for almost 4 hours today when I wrote my other post. I finally got the courage and strength to go home by looking at the mountains and thinking I had enough faith to move them.... Then I was telling myself to have courage “Stand, therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, having on the breastplate of righteousness, and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace”. I had this plan to speak quietly and softly and to not give in to this unrighteous dominion. Anyway I had this plan and when I got home I got baby food thrown at me. Ugh. My heart it broken. I feel trapped. I can't be in my home without this emotional abuse then when I set boundaries he gets me to break by using things to hurt me like "updates" on unfaithful actions. I just pray this stops. Can I ask if the split is working for you both? Has your relationship improved? My marriage is pretty much on the brink...."
posted at 00:14:11 on April 13, 2015 by Anonymous
my experience    
"Humbled32,
I think the relationship is probably not changed much in eight months of being apart, but I have grown a great deal. I wake up every day hoping and praying that life will get better, that a big check will drop out of the sky so we can pay off bills and not argue over money, that we both can feel happiness and peace, but instead I have to keep trudging along. What I have learned is that I do have value, that I can make choices on my own. I don't know how this is going to go if and when we get back together, but I began to shop for my own food, things that I wan to buy and can afford instead of what my wife says is okay. She is not here right now to scold me for the 'poor choices' but I have acted on my own.
Have you told anyone or asked for help from the Bishop? I know it is hard to get other people involved. for me I have a hard time trusting people because i feel as though there is little they are willing or able to do in my life, but sometimes for me there is just no more I can do and I need help. You are in my thoughts and prayers, I hope that you get feeling better. i have been helped by taking life 24 hours at a time. Have a big hug! have a good day"
posted at 05:26:59 on April 14, 2015 by sjanderson
Sjanderson    
"Thanks for sharing your story with me. I honestly feel so suppressed. I'm pretty sure every normal person would tell me to leave at this point. I have talked to my Bishop and he is involved but it still is awful. Most people wouldn't let another person treat them like this. I feel so much that I have no boundries in my marriage. I mean everything has no limitations. I don't feel like there is anything he wouldn't say to me because he knows I will stay. On the other hand how can I give up the fight on my eternal family? I want to be the winner here! I don't want to give up to satans plan to break my family apart! I honestly believe that if I separate from him we will never get back together. He will act out and be unfaithful and I will feel happier without him and I know it. Things will feel emotionally easier for me and because of his unstable emotions he will probably make mistakes that I will no longer want to work out with him. A few months ago he came home and packed his things and went on a binge. I didn't want him to come back but he begged and promised and told me he wouldn't be abusive anymore or act out but he has and does. It doesn't change. He lies his way back and and gives me a sob story. I have children to take care of and I don't even know how much money we have. I too have to ask to buy anything. I don't have passwords and log in information to even pay or look at balances. What I do have is cards to pay with things. What is worse for me is the emotional control he has over me. I really try to put my foot down and say today I will not display my emotions to him but he always finds a way to hook me. For example the other day I tried to cut myself off from his stuff and say hey I don't feel like talking right now the he does some action like lust after another person that he has to tell me and then tries to hook me by getting my emotions all wound up. I need to figure out a way to disconnect my emotions and him not to snag me to react. When I do react in a hurt way he is just mean. It's controll. I feel suppressed. It makes me sad that my home doesnt have the spirit. I'm sorry for your situation. Don't be afraid to trust people that you can trust. For me.... I'm all in until I have a reason not to be. I believe what President Monson said and inch is a cinch and a yard is hard. :) one day at a time.... Maybe one hour at a time.... I think I will try to pray every hour of my day today. I hope your situation improves and even if you can't trust anyone else you can at least trust God. He will never lead us down the wrong path. I can see your good heart and I appreciate your discussion with me. I feel a little less alone today. I will pray for you and I'm proud of your accomplishments this far. Hopefully you take time to reflect on the good today."
posted at 10:37:24 on April 14, 2015 by Humbled32
sigh    
"I am so sorry you are going through this Humbled. I am really proud of you for telling it like it is. There is no doubt you are in an abusive relationship and you are seeing the patterns and tools that he uses to hook you under his control. I know you don't 100% know what to do about it yet, but identifying the methods he is using is the very first step. I don't doubt that you will figure out what to do next.

Do you have family or a support network that can help you if you do break away?

My husband and I separated twice and both times were helpful for us in clearing our heads. Recently, we went through a rough spot where he was letting stress from work really get to him. He was bringing it home and being so cold and mean to me and the kids. I gentling called him out the first few days and then got mean because he kept getting worse. We finally had a big confrontation and he lost his temper and start swearing at me which is one of our rules you can't do. It shook me up enough to realize that I was behaving codependantly and needed to get back to the basics and back to my good tools. So I calmed down and went for my boundaries. I asked him to leave because we've agreed that destructive language is a deal breaker. He got a hotel for a week and my terms were simple: He was obviously stressed to the point of taking it out on us and had lost his center. So until he started working with a councilor again and refocussed himself on how to treat us the right way then he did not live with us. He could visit in the evenings as long as he was kind but then he had to leave at bedtime. If he didn't agree then I would have moved out to my sisters house. Ultimately the choice was his if he wanted to get a hotel and work on things, or if I moved out of state. I preferred staying local but was entirely ready for either option. My sister is on board and understanding. I know it seems really extreme to others, but with our history we both know that strict rules are the only way for us to survive. Once he started making appointments and getting better again, he moved back in. It was a big wake up call for both of us. It didn't take more than a few days for him to come back because everything I was asking was pretty easy to do and he was really willing to do it. Neither of us is perfect and we still loose our tempers with each other, but there are certain lines that we've defined that mean we are into separation mode again. My bottom line is I will not go back to an emotional abusive relationship. Period. No angry swearing and no derogatory language. None.

Now that is my just way of handling things. It may not be right for you. Do what works for you. When you do what is best for you, it will be best for people around you too. Even if it hurts them, in the long run when you take care of you righteously then you are also taking care of others....even if that is just by holding them accountable.

You should feel safe. You should always feel autonomous. You are a hero in this story. When you feel trapped and abused just remind yourself that you are the hero and put on your super hero cape. You are NO ONE's victim. Ever.

I hope things get better soon.
Maddy"
posted at 12:54:19 on April 15, 2015 by maddy
thanks    
"Humbled32,
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate you sharing about your experience, and I feel for you. As the addict in the relationship I can remember how many times my wife put her foot down and that scared me, that made me want to change, but I didn't really change. I guess it wasn't until we really went over the cliff back in August of last year when she said hit the road. Fortunately for us my parents were in town serving a mission for a time. there were a lot of things that were blessings from God that made this physical separation possible. Now eight monts on, I have grown a lot and I think she is growing. Hang in there

Something from AA they talk about praying for those you have hard feelings for, really praying that they get everything that they want. I know for me at times this has been pretty hard, but it has also helped me begin to try and shift my mind set about me and what I want to what does God want out of the situation. Have a great Day!"
posted at 13:03:39 on April 15, 2015 by sjanderson
I feel like you are writing my story    
"Humbled
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I have been reading your posts and I feel like we are In identical situations. My husband wont/has not admitted to looking at porn. This leaves me in an awkward position. he is emotionally and physically abusive. I have spend countless hrs reading about pornography and abuse.
My heart.Breaks for you because I know exactly how you feel.
please visit this website thehotline.org and look into a womans shelter if you need to. I am not strong enough to leave yet but I have been speaking up more and I feel like we are inching in the right direction. I told him of he ever chokes me again I will call the police. this is the first place I mentioned the abuse and I have told at least one person the whole story. And I am not going to hide his secrets anymore. Satin thrives in secrecy. When you talk about ending your marriage and satin winning I have thought that so many times...how the family is under attack.
Leaving is easier said then done. work on finding your strenght and courage Just to stand up for yourself and know you deserve better. Before I was married my bishop said how are things going. I said fine (of course) he started to tear up and said "he will answer for the way he treats you". I was floored....I truly belief bishops are tools in the hands of the lord. I repest those words to myself when I start to get on the pity pot. I BELIEVE the same is true for you. He WILL answer for the way he treats you.
please start a log with abusive events that have happened. It helps you take some control back."
posted at 02:53:26 on April 16, 2015 by keepnclassy
...    
"Please stop the updates...thats is a control mechanism and I cant even imagine what that is like. To hear those things. I used to have overwelming anxiety about what he was doing and thank goodness after many months and pleading prayers it has slowed down a ton. Try and focus on you and detaching
Check out this website to. Addictionrecovery.lds.org/find a meeting. ..they even have phone meetings. there is also another manual I read I will post that tomorrow. I need to get to bed...but I had to say something, I really hope this helps.
you will be in my daily prayers"
posted at 03:08:10 on April 16, 2015 by Anonymous
Agreed    
"I've written huge posts and then deleted them over and over. I just want to send my love and support to you ladies. I agree with Anon about the updates that have become nothing more than a weapon to hurt you. And I want to support you Classy in calling the PD if he EVER, EVER hurts you. My dad was abusive when I was growing up and as a child one of my biggest heart aches as I look back is that my mother never called the PD on him. Sometimes I feel so much shame that I didn't call the PD on him...but I didn't know that was an option. My mother did and as much as LOVE her, I will always regret that she didn't dial 911. Ladies my heart hurts for you and my prayers tonight will be for you. "
posted at 21:23:45 on April 16, 2015 by maddy
where did it start    
"Humbled, how did you discover his addiction?"
posted at 22:49:05 on April 16, 2015 by keepnclassy
hugs!    
"Thank you Maddy :)"
posted at 22:49:47 on April 16, 2015 by keepnclassy
Thanks everyone.    
"So my heart is aching.... Keepnclassy, I don't want you to feel the way I do. I don't want my story to be your story and I really just wish I could hug you! I don't want another human to have to feel this way. It's awful. It really is awful. I have no been physically abused in this since January. Well I mean throwing food at me is abusive but didn't hurt me. I'm not sure what category that's under. Well anyway in January I had enough. My husband came home and packed his stuff and left. I was a wreck and I finally called my bishop, told my dad, and told his mom. Of course that placed a big rift between his family and me but who cares. He stopped being physical. Mostly I think because he had a consequence in place. If he is physical again he will be turned in. So that pretty much stopped but the emotional abuse has not. I feel pretty numb tonight. Usually I just pray to fix things but tonight I prayed for strength to let this go if I need to. I'm sick of how he talks to me. I'm sick of what he says. I'm sick of being uncomforted. I can't even remember how I found out about the pornography. I think I asked him about it. But at that time I didn't realize the extent of the problem. Then I went through his computer and was in shock. He had been looking since adolescense for years.... Then claimed to just stop. Which was awesome and said he wasn't addicted. Well, it keeps surfacing every couple months which I know he has a problem. I wish he would get help for it. I've too read so much about the addiction which I see the affects it has and the roll it plays in my marriage. This week has probably been the hardest week next to everything that went down in January. I appreciate the posts from everyone. It really helps that I just have people to talk to. I feel so suppressed in emotion. If I speak my feelings it starts a huge fight. I can understand people have addiction problems, everyone has something to struggle with. I just don't understabd how people can be so mean and cold hearted. It almost doesn't feel like he is human at times or even can be a follower of Christ. It's confusing to me. I dont have a back up plan but I need one badly. It feels like I'm at war with satan himself sometimes in my own home. I wish no one else had to feel this way. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. This all has been going on for four years. Thanks for your replies everyone. I think I should work on a plan to leave if I need to."
posted at 02:00:57 on April 17, 2015 by Humbled32


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"Now, my brothers and sisters, let not Jesus’ redemption for us stop at the immortalizing dimension of the Atonement, “the loosing of the bands of death”. Let us grasp the proffered gift of eternal life! We will end up either choosing Christ’s manner of living or His manner of suffering! It is either “suffer even as I”, or overcome “even as [He] … overcame”. His beckoning command is to become “even as I am”. The spiritually settled accept that invitation, and “through the atonement of Christ,” they become and overcome! "

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987