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is he moving in the right direction?
By tamara0000
11/15/2015 9:33:48 PM
So I have been really struggling after my last post to know if my husband is moving in the right direction. he has this 2 week cycle that is killing me. I feel like I'm in constant preparation mode for the 2 week disaster. It has been a year since his excommunication and I still find that he is not being honest at all times. I have even found emails he has sent to people in hopes of acting out although he tells me he has not actually acted out again. It has always been me discovering it and not him coming forward. I am pretty good about recognizing behavior and once I see it I say something, which usually leads to a conversation over several days where my husband admits to sliding on doing recovery work. He still attends weekly meetings and counseling sessions without missing them. I guess the problem that i'm having right now no matter what I study on addiction is is it enough? Is he doing enough and I'm expecting too much? I keep reading that relapse happens but when does relapse turn into living back in addiction? Of course I'm not OK with him seeking to act out with others so how do I recognize a relapse as opposed to an absolute safety issue for me? I am trying to be supportive of the process but there are days that my goal is to not hit him. My husband's addiction has been an issue for our entire marriage. After 13 years I have realized I don't even know who I married. I don't know what is him and what is addiction. What is truth and what is a lie. I see glimpses of change in him but is that enough to work with? Is it unrealistic to expect or demand no relapse for several months in order to avoid divorce? Is it unrealistic to expect honesty at all time even during relapse? What boundaries can I set to help encourage honesty even during relapse? Or is all hope lost and i need to just walk away?
Sorry for the rant I I just have so many questions.

Comments:

thanks for your post here is my side of the situation    
"Tamara000;
thanks for your post becuase it helps me think about my own situation. I am the addict in the situation. My addiction as well as been a part of our 15 year marriage and frankly after a phone conversation with my wife today, I am afraid it is all over. One thing my wife emphasized to me was that I am not showing signs of recovery. Well we are three states apart from each other. She doesnt see me trying to get my home teaching done, doing acts of service, fulfilling my calling as much as i can. that i have spoken with the bishop about my addiction that yes I have had slips or relapses or whatever but it has not involved explicit porn. it has involved lustfull thoiughts and a desire to escape my life. Not to defened myself or share to much about my life, but in the last three years I count on one hand the times we have had s@x. that is not to guilt her or even say anything about her at all, it is just the tension that seems to get all wired up. I do pretty well for about 6-7 months then a nocturnal emssion happens. I don't excuses myself or my actions at all, but at times I feel like my wife is expecting perfection from me, that m@sturbation is an evil sin that will send me to hell and that I might as well give up the ship. It is hard at times to a connection between the two of us in any way at all. Gosh I am being really negative please forgive me. I am sorry. To your question about is it enough to work with, I wont even pretend to comment on your question. I felt after my phone call today about giving up and really telling her off, because hey my sins are not that bad right?? what I might ask is, pardon me for even suggesting anything, but could you spend some time apart? we have been apart for 14 months, it doesn't look like we are going to get back together but I have grown a lot out of my wife's shadow in the last year. I don't know about her, she went home to her parents house so that has been kind of negative for her. I don't know about the honesty either. I know for me I had some really deep discoveries this last two weeks about my desire and feeling of entiglements to "happiness" through s2xual stuff, or not even through that through money and success and stuff. I wish I had a magic wand to fix your marriage. Selfishly I would fix mine first.. then yours, but I would wish to do the same thing for you. I know what really stresses me out right now is that my wife says I am not supporting her enough financially, that if it wasn't for her parents they would be in a shelter and on food stamps, but she was the one that left the house, and she forgets that I just took a 10% salary cut at work, and am blessed to still have a job. I have been looking for new career for a long long time and I feel like she thinks that she is entitled to money becuase of obedience to God's commandments. She's told me that if I got my sh#t together I would find a better job/career. For me that is gas on the fire for me not feeling of worth or value saying in other words that I can't support my family well enough etc. Please forgive me for sharing so much about me. In conclusion about your question, I wish I had an answer. I often ask myself what am I supposed to feel, waht am I supposed to do. That the decisions I make are not "good enough" or worthy either of her expectations or of the blessings from heaven. Back to what I said above, maybe some time apart, if you aren't already may give you some time to think about what you want in your life, rather than what you don't want in your life. Please accept it for what it is worth.

cheers"
posted at 22:44:01 on November 15, 2015 by sjanderson1
Honesty is important    
"I don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect honesty. It sounds like a temporary situation might be a wise move, or at least put things in place/set things in motion to prepare for it - provided you're willing to follow through so he realises how serious you are about it. Yes relapse happens, but it is NOT part of recovery (though it can happen while working towards recovery).
My husband has the same addiction, & he understands that I need him to be totally honest with me. Yes, it's painful. But it's a lot more painful when he hasn't been honest with me and I find out further down the line. At least if there's honesty, I know that whatever else is going on, I can trust him to be honest.
Honesty has done a lot to help us repair broken trust.
Only you can decide what you can live with as far as relapses/no relapses. But it seems like you've reached the point where the line needs to be drawn. I suggest you write down a list of what YOU need in order to feel safe (e.g. no porn in the house, disclosure within 24 hours), what you will do to ensure it happens (e.g. secure internet filters, checking history sporadically, giving him opportunities to check in how his day has been - good and bad), and what you will do if it doesn't happen. You can only control your own actions. So prayerfully decide what your needs are, and then act accordingly. You need to feel safe. You deserve that, and you deserve honesty.
I'm praying for you."
posted at 23:27:01 on November 15, 2015 by Anonymous
Misreading    
"I originally misread the title of your post. I thought it said "Is he moving me in the right direction?"... as in "is He (Heavenly Father) moving ME in the right direction I need to go?" My misread question may also be applicable to you though. Are you allowing your life to be directed by Heavenly Father, independent of whatever actions your husband is or isn't doing? Think about that.

That said, is your husband doing better with his addiction than he was 5 years ago? Is he better than he was 3 years ago? 1 year ago? Sometimes when we live with someone, it's hard to see the little improvements that add up over time. That doesn't mean asking whether your husband is "perfect", or even whether he's even "free from acting out". When you step back and look, is he at least making progress? When you pray about it, does Heavenly Father let you know whether or not He sees progress in your husband?

Just something to think about."
posted at 02:48:20 on November 16, 2015 by Anonymous
Trust But Verify    
"Hey there Tamaroo. I am almost 4 years into my recovery journey with my husband. When his dismembership came to an end I thought there would be some miraculous wave of change that accompanied his taking the sacrament, attending meetings, scripture reading.... The same thought I had about when I turned 21 and became an adult. In thought I, somehow, would feel measurably different and when my husband received full fellowship again, I thought he would feel measurably different too. But it didn't happen in either case. It was just another day. For me a day older, for him, a day in recovery.

I wanted my husband to heal and change on my time table. I wanted my safety and healing to be inline with his level of recovery. I did not really begin my recovery process until I let go of him. Without realizing it or knowing about his addiction, I had been holding on to the addict for the 23 years of our marriage. I thought...if I love him enough...if I am a good enough wife...if I look good enough...if I am smart enough...if I say the right things...and the list goes on. But there is not one thing that you or I can do to prevent relapse or to make recovery happen. SAnon's three C's are so true: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it.

I read this passage of scripture that says “And in that day … the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them” (D&C 45:26). Recently I came to the realization is because it is MEN'S hearts and not GOD'S heart. A Natural Man's heart (regardless of being a man or woman) will always fail. It is step 6 that focuses on Change of Heart in the ARP manual that teaches the process of changing the Natural Man's heart to God's heart. Neal A. Maxwell talks about surrendering our will to the Lord's. This change of heart comes from inside. Focus on your healing. I know that you want your husband to progress at the rate that you are, I really do. I felt that if only his recovery was better, then I could trust him and progress in mine. But it isn't true. My counselor (who was also our Stake Patriarch) told me that I was putting too much faith in my husband and not enough in my Savior. It took me a while to figure out what that meant for me, but it was true. I was not experiencing enough surrender in my life.

You need to take care of you. You need to heal you. Later on down the road your recovery and his recovery will come together to heal your marriage. I am about 3 years ahead of you on this road. Keep going. There are hard times ahead and there are wonderful times ahead.

I have my best resources that I have collected and put on a blog. I realize that through this I am no longer anonymous, but in doing this my husband and I have experienced a great deal of healing.

Keep going, my friend. It is worth it.

Here is the link: http://earthlifeisateamsport.blogspot.com/"
posted at 00:42:48 on November 20, 2015 by 1stepatatime


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"By emulating the Master, who endured temptations but “gave no heed unto them,” we, too, can live in a world filled with temptations “such as [are] common to man”. Of course Jesus noticed the tremendous temptations that came to him, but He did not process and reprocess them. Instead, He rejected them promptly. If we entertain temptations, soon they begin entertaining us! Turning these unwanted lodgers away at the doorstep of the mind is one way of giving “no heed.” Besides, these would-be lodgers are actually barbarians who, if admitted, can be evicted only with great trauma."

— Neal A. Maxwell

General Conference May 1987